The waiting game

I really hate waiting....I especially hate waiting for the phone to ring!!!

Legs curled up....

my legs are tucked under me, I can see the tips of my black boots peeking out and I wonder why I am wearing these boots?

They are black leather and knee high. the three inch heels are sharp spikes, and the toes are shraply pointed. I put them on without considering what they mean to me.

The shiny buckles have not been out of the closet for nearly two years. The last time I wore them I me T, the one I almost married. They carry with them memories and confidence.

But they hurt...I have been wearing them for only a few minutes and I can already tell my feet and legs will ache by the end of the night.

It's silly to put so much meaning on a pair of black boots....

I think I might but them back in the closet for another night.....

Or perhaps I am ready wear them again? am I ready to move on finally? not just from T, but from my past? am I ready to shed the pain from that night so long ago? I feel free of it.....but perhaps its just hanging back waiting for the right time to come out in a dream. I have not had one of the dreams for a few months now.....only time will tell.

The Guitar

I have wanted to learn how to play the guitar for years. I finally have the opportunity, but no time. Mom and dad bought me an acoustic Fender for my birthday; exactly what I wanted. Its so plain and so perfect. I don't really even know how to hold it, I feel silly holding it and wishing I could make it sound as perfect as I know it can. It feels so good to even know the notes for each string.....

I am home for the week of both my birthday and Christmas, its good to be home, but i forgot my meds on the kitchen counter of my apartment. I have not told mom, but I think she knows. We continue to argue on a regular basis about my ability to comply. I am a nursing student for fucks sake, I know the consequences of not taking the little blue pill each day. But the side effects make it hard to want to be compliant.

Prozac:
CNS: SEIZURES, anxiety, drowsiness, headache, insomnia, nervousness, abnormal dreams, dizziness, fatigue, hypomania, mania, weakness, EENT: stuffy nose, visual disturbances, Resp: cough, CV: chest pain, palpitations, GI: diarrhea, abdominal pain, abnormal taste, anorexia, constipation, dry mouth, dyspepsia, nausea, vomiting, weight loss, GU: sexual dysfunction, urinary frequency, Derm: excessive sweating, pruritus, erythema nodusum, flushing, rashes, Endo: dysmenorrhea, MS: arthralgia, back pain, myalgia, Neuro: tremor, Misc: allergic reactions, fever, flu-like syndrome, hot flashes, sensitivity reaction (davis drug guide)

Highlighted in orange are the symptoms i deal with on a regular basis, the only one that is bad enough to make me crazy is the sexual dysfunction.....I think its time to switch to a med that allows me to have a normal sex life. Honestly, I'm not having sex on a regular basis at this point, but do you know how embarrassing it is to explain that I can't get there, sorry you're wasting your time....

I have nausea and a headache from suddenly stopping. I can tell I am slipping into a mild depression again; all I want to do is sleep. its hard for me to have the motivation to shower and get dressed....even on Christmas morning. It amazes me that three days without my meds can have this profound of an affect. I talked to one of my nursing instructors about this, she has encouraged me to remain on meds until finished with nursing school in June. I will try, but something has to change....

School starts again on the 7th of January, can you believe its almost 2008??? that is just crazy to me :) I need to get myself rested and organized my the time school starts....and I could probably do some reading so I am able to hit the ground running!!!!! I need to relearn some math as well as study fluids and electrolytes before we dive in again.....its time for acid base balance. I have been trying to understand acid base balance for two years and i still don't get it!!! FUCK any tips will be appreciated

much love
Amanda

And suddenly.....

every thing is different. What once was, is no more....

Last night I celebrated my birthday [its actually today]; I had a great time with my friends, but something was different. I tried to see if the two sides of my life could coexist? Friends from high school, and friends from Nursing school. It did not work the way I had planned. I envisioned everyone meeting and falling in love with each other, this was not the case. there were no problems, but it was awkward. I felt as though it was somehow my fault that not everyone was having a killer good time....odd

It weird for me to see people not talking. I am the person that will walk up to you and start chatting because you look lonely and out of place at the party, or the girl you meet and by the end of the day you know her life story.....that's me....I am able to talk to just about anyone, about anything. when I am thrown into a big group of unknowns I will stand back and watch for about an hour....I will observe the pecking order of the group, the humor style, the topics of conversation, and when comfortable join in and enjoy myself. unless I am tired, as I am today....

I can barely keep my eyes open and I am getting ready to drive home for Christmas. Its a two hour drive, and its raining...I'm going to need some coffee and music for this trip.

Frustrated

Why can't people get over their big bad selves, and except that everyone is different, but the same....

It does not matter what color my skin it, or what color your eyes are, we all have the same inside parts....heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, lymph's, hormones, fluids, electrolytes....you know what I'm talking about????

I'm just tired of people being stupid ignorant ass wholes.....

Is it that way?!?!?!?

What direction are you going?

So many directions I can be in this moment....

I never know what will be the best....

I suppose I will follow the signs as I see them.....

Feeling Better

wow....what an amazing day. I had my test review, turned in a very small paper....and then napped....it was truly an amazing nap too. I felt refreshed and rejuvinated. I showered and made myself look amazing to go to the Lucky Lab with my twin, Kellen....

OK so he is not actually my twin...he is two weeks older then me, a foot taller, and skinny :) everything I am not....but I am prettier ;) He is really the male version of myself...except he's a Republican, and I am not.

I had some nasty beer, then some yummy beer. I love beer so for me to say nasty means it was really really bad. We spent the evening with his GF and her friends....they are younger so it was odd because i am used to older people, but it was fun....and I think I may have scored a job for the winter break :) its all about networking.....

So i got home around 11, and have spent the last two hours chilling and thinking about life....good things mostly. I took an amazing bath....Jasmine and Lavender bubbles....the kitty laid on the bath mat and hung out with me.....Daniel and I talked for an hour....I was filled in on the happening of his life, and him on mine....its great to catch up with people you love.

So the next three days are dedicated to studying....some one wish me luck...I must pass this test to move on to the seventh term of nursing school

much love
A

Tears of Confusion

I am confused, and I have nothing to say about it....I want to soak in the tub and cry. But I don't have time for that right now. I have a midterm on the fourth and the final on the eleventh. I am terrified that I am going to fail. failure is not an option. I am going to watch Beauty and the Beast, read some med/surg, and sleep.......someone tell my why I am so fucking confused....and how do i get past it?!?!?!?!

Burning out

I am having a hard time focusing on school. I really need to dedicate myself to studying for the next 4 days, but my mind continues to wonder. I am thinking about everything but ADPIE, Maslow, Erickson, ABC, CMS, and anal winks.....

So last night I slept at N's house, she is truly one of the few people i consider a "best friend." She knows more about me then any other person on the planet.

I slept on the sofa because my bed was taken up by another house guest....he is old so he gets dibs (OK so he's not old, but its funny). I was woken up at 5am by N's husband and the other house guest, T & S. they were finding music for their car trip to the ducks game...I wake with a start and the first words out of my mouth are, "what the fuck?" I should add that the image in my head was of MY TV, and two men in MY living room, I really had no clue where i was or why their were two men in my home......I see T smile and start to process that I do in fact know and trust him, S says,"do you know where you are sweety?" my next breath is a deep sigh of relief...Its funny now, but in that split second I experienced true terror.

Its time for sleep, and REM, I need to be well rested for study group tomorrow....please, someone wish me luck on this next test!!!!

study time bitches

OK, so it's time to buckle down and study study study. I find myself having difficulty focusing on the task at hand. today I studied with my fantastic study group for about 4 hours. the first 3 of which were very productive. The last hour was sex jokes and snacks...that's my kind of study group, and explains why I have gained so much weight in the last year!

So here I am right now avoiding homework and watching the comcast dude fix my cable; thanks comcast dude, I was really missing the distractions the TV provides for me.

When I get done avoiding homework i will start working on my prep for Sim Lab, a lab where we use dummies to simulate patients, the instructors get off on making us feel like fuck-tards, and I usually go home in a state of disbelief with both my own lack of knowledge, and their lack of compassion.

After Sim prep I plan on watching mindless television and reading from my bible, and by bible I mean the Med/Surg nursing text....Its my personal bible and has all the information a baby nurse could possibly need...OK, well not all, but a lot :)

an interesting fact for those of you interested: you can now purchase Plan B at your local pharmacy, well at most of them. anyone, male or female, over the age of 18 can purchase this handy little pill for around $40. that's cheap when you consider how much an unwanted pregnancy is going to end up costing in the long run.....I am not advocating that you use this as your sole form of birth control, but if you miss a pill and the condom breaks you have a back up....hence the name Plan B...because plan A should have worked, but just it case the latex snaps....well you get the idea....

that leads us directly to the topic of sex, yet again. have you noticed that as we get older sex has become a significant source of entertainment both in and out of the bedroom? We love talking about it, thinking about it, watching people who want to do it, and we love doing it. Why is there such a stigma on sex? what stigma you wonder? People are afraid to be honest about what they really want....we want to be happy, feel happy, and have some fun....but we don't want to be judged when we seek out physical pleasure from another human....is it possible, I wonder, for a male and a female to remain friends after seeking mutual pleasure from one another? why does one person have the right to judge me for being a sexual being when they themselves can be judged for their own faults...

See here I am being distracted from homework my the sexual curiosity that is rambling through my head right now in this moment....I can have sex when I graduate....In the mean time I would like to actually graduate, So I am off to study

Much love-
A

Home, Sweet Home?!?!

It’s day two of being home for thanksgiving, and I have to say, it’s not nearly as painful as I had expected. I have had time to take a few naps, study, and go running with my brother’s new dog….

Let me tell you a bit about my brother. First I am from an obscenely small sad little town in the Willamette valley….I moved as soon as possible, P (my bro), however still lives at home with my parents….not for a lack of trying to get out. He has moved out at least half a dozen times, but like a boomerang ends up back where he started. The reasons for his many returns span from bad financial choices to poor choices in friends and roommates, oh and girlfriends….the kid attracts psychos like you would not believe….

He is 20 years old and wears pants so tight you can actually see his, ya know, junk. All of his jeans have a perfect ring outlined on the back pocket from his “snuff.” Copenhagen long cut for those interested in his choice of cancer causing agents. I have given up the “you know that’s bad for you” lecture, he has been chewing since he was 14, mom stopped lecturing at 18 and I finally realized that I am wasting my breath. P is, for the most part, a really good kid. He will do anything for anyone; he would give you the shirt off his back if that’s what you really needed. He can be reached 24/7 for roadside assistance for any of his redneck friends, or their girlfriends, who are also rednecks. P goes through daily life with an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, and it works for him. He really does not care what anyone thinks, and has no problem telling you to fuck off….after he gives you his shirt and the finger.

I am proud to say P is going back to school, that’s right, my baby brother is going to college…ok, its trade school. But by the time I graduate from college he will be finished with his welding certification program and making more money then me….damn

So P just got this new red tick hound, and very creatively named the dog red. Could you be a bit more original please? My mom said no more dogs, did he listen? No. the damn dog howls night and day….enter the bark collar. After one day of wearing the damn thing he is afraid to bark. I am not sure how I feel about bark collars, but the neighbors stopped complaining….did I mention that the closest neighbor is ¼ of a mile away and they were annoyed by the howling hound.

I can’t help but love the dog. He is on a 40ft cable run and has a nice little doggie house with food and water. The problem is that he is able to get his self wrapped around the cherry tree, the plum tree, the burn barrel, and the tractor (yes my family has a burn barrel and tractor, and so much more). I took in upon myself yesterday after a rainy run to fix the dogs living conditions….bad idea. Before I even started I was already soaked to the bone, my black Capri yoga pants and my black sweatshirt were clinging to my sad shivering body. The pants were so heavy with water I could barely keep them on my hips. I trekked through the yard to the field the dog has so lovingly been exiled to.

I need to clarify that my parents are constantly re-doing their landscaping…the current state of the yard is mud. The reason you ask for all of this mud? Because they have just put in an access road to the back of the property so that my grandparents and great-grandparents can park their RV in our yard during the summers….the exciting life of retirement.

So I spent over an hour trying to fix this dogs lead so that he can’t tangle himself. By the time I was finished I was freezing and covered in mud…and whatever else was in that mud…..this field used to be home to the pigs I raised for 9 years….use your imagination about how filthy I really was.

As cold and disgusting as the entire ordeal was it was a very relaxing experience. For the duration of my time spent with this miserable puppy I did not once think about school, bills, my ex, or any other stress inducing thoughts….it was amazing, thank you red!

There are two reasons why I am home for the entire week. The first being thanksgiving break, and the second mom’s foot surgery. It’s a minor procedure with a small cut and only 45 min under general anesthesia. She describes it as having her plantar released….I think it might be a bit more complicated then this! The surgery was great; it took her about 30min to wake up and an additional 30 to be alert enough for the nurse to release her. The nurse was great, she let me pull the IV, I have done this a dozen times, but its always fun! Mom was so funny, she was stoned and demanded a diet soda and crackers…I gave her the crackers and made her wait for soda.

Now she is taking full advantage of her disabled state. She has orders from the doctor that she is to be non-weight bearing on her left foot for an entire week….this means I am her bitch for the week. I am not complaining, simply stating a fact. I need a shirt that says, moms bitch across the front….that would make me laugh. Its so much easier with a patient who is not your family, they have silent lights that turn on when they need something….my mom has a frog that sings and yells, oh yes a singing and laughing from…I wish I had the audio of it for you…its annoying and funny all at the same time.

So the best part of being home is the food and the wood stove…the house is warm and I get to eat yummy yummy food all week. Thanksgiving dinner: I am cooking. I have never cooked a thanksgiving dinner, I have burned hamburger helper. I am actually a really good cook, and I’m excited to cook this meal for my family. I am worried about the stuffing…I don’t really even like stuffing and now I have to make it…so if you have any tips to share, please do.

a glass of wine would be nice...

I just want to ask to world around me, “are you fucking kidding me right now.”

I feel confusion and disconnection from the world around me…I’ve never felt quite this off balance before.

I see myself and wonder what I am doing….

When was the last time you held your hand over a flame and watched your skin? It feels a little warm, and does not really hurt until the damage is already done. Maybe it feels a little good so you don’t yank back even though you know its going to scar. You watch the skin turn pink, then red, you see is start to sizzle as the moisture is drawn out….the blister starts to form the skin lifts up and fluid collects in that little pocket, you’re fascinated by the process so you leave it just a moment longer. Your breathing is heavy and shallow as you cope with the pain, not willing to move your hand away from that pain. The skin darkens and the blister is open and the contents sizzling in the fire. You can smell the flesh burning, but you don’t move your hand yet, a force now beyond your control is compelling you to watch. It does not feel good anymore, but your in too deep…this game is no longer fun, but you can’t stop playing. The flesh is raw and seeping, the fluid is clear…you wonder when you will see blood. You think that as soon as you see blood you will stop, when I can’t tolerate the pain I will stop.

My skin just started to sizzle, I yanked back. I feel the compelling urge to reach back in. I know that I can’t, and I’m not going to….but I know it would feel good for a few minutes. Am I willing to trade a few hours of pleasure for a few days of pain? It takes time for wounds to heal, how long would this one take?

Who cares, I am done. That’s that, the person who needs to know, knows….and that’s what counts…I am done playing with this fire. By no means has the fire been extinguished, but I am not going to watch my self get burned again. This is a risk I am not willing to take, not today, and not tomorrow. Its nice to know its there to keep me warm if I need it….maybe someday it will be fully available for me and I won’t have to watch myself burn……..

In the mean time I need to remember that I am available again….hhhmmm being single has always been fun in the past, and this time will be no different…..or maybe it will be….but I will have fun.

So here I am blogging on my bed…the only place that I can feed off of someone else’s internet….I suppose I will go take a bath and read a good book…a glass of wine would be nice, but I drank it all the other day…..hhhmmm water it is.

Goodnight beautiful confusing world

Another day, Another dream

I had this dream the other day, it was a spin off of dreams I have been having my entire life. I dream that I have a pet, but I forget that I have this pet and it starves to death; I always find the pet just as it is dying and there is nothing I can do to save him or her. In this dream I had a hutch of drawers and in each drawer there were several small animals: hamsters, mice, rats, and my dream version of a leemar…I don’t know what a leemar is, but this is what it was in my dream:

A small brown animal about the size of a hamster, but looked like a kola bear. The leemar had sweet brown eyes that captivated me. I stared at the little creature for about 10seconds then it let out a piecing blood curdling shriek and turned coal black with red eyes. Each time this happened I screamed and every hair on my body raised….this happened over and over.

The trapped and starving animals had tunneled through the drawers and were hunting one another. The large chasing the small, the small running faster and hiding. I was searching everywhere for food, I had a since of urgency that I have never experienced in a dream. I was frantic. I found one granola bar….i split it into tiny chunks and opened drawers and dropped the pieces in. this tiny frightened mouse looked at me and spoke, let me out of here please. I closed the drawer. This is when the small animals rebelled and started trying to push the drawers open. As I closed one another would open and so on. I woke up sweating and terrified. It really was the craziest dream I have ever had.

What the Funk?

So I just moved into this amazing little apartment, one bedroom one bath, one perfect little kitchen, and a living room that I have transformed into the perfect space to live, study, nap, and watch movies. My mom drove up to help me get organized. On Friday night we cleaned my old apartment, and unpacked my kitchen. On Saturday morning we did some shopping at IKEA and thrift stores to find a few pieced of furniture I felt I could not possible live without. (still no microwave) It was great having her here, and I cried when she left.

So I get in this mood from time to time. The health professional in me calls it depression. The non-compliant med hating fighter inside of me calls it a funk. We all have these days, where we just don’t change out of our pajamas and we lie on the sofa and watch day time TV all day. My problem is that my funky day turns into a week….then two weeks….then I start not going to school, ignoring phone calls, I stop showering and wallow in self pitty. This is why the professional side of me takes the blue pill every day….except for the last two weeks.

Most people who look at my life see no reason whatsoever to be depressed. I have a hard time understanding it myself. When mom left today she asked me to please start taking my medication again. She is right, I need to fight to be healthy, and part of that is taking my meds…..

Its time to move....again

OK, so this is the weekend of the move....today i am trying, very hard, to conquer the daunting task of packing. I did the dishes, started a load of laundry and found myself sitting here in front of the computer. Frustrated for the following reasons:

1) I just unpacked my last box from this move less then two weeks ago...i have lived in this apartment for less then two months, in fact I will never hit the two month mark on the lease here.

2) the ex moved out two weeks ago and "mailed" me a check to cover his part of the rent and the massive sum of money it costs to break a lease. go figure, the check is not here yet....maybe he put an old stamp on it and some bitch at the post-office said, "fuck you, this is 10 cents short of making it to your broke ex-girl." I really doubt that is the case...So i am going to have to fork out his share of the money....and pay for his keys that he never returned....what a moron...and yes i really did only live with him for a month...and I know, I'm a moron for moving in with him in the first place....lesson learned

3) I have a massive charlie horse in my left calf. so massive that i cannot feel my foot as it has cut off the circulation...this is an ongoing problem in my left leg...yes i went to the Dr. and no there is nothing that makes it feel better....so here i sit drinking a glass of milk and wondering how low my calcium levels really are....

4) I really hate packing.

5) my cat scratched me

6) and i was in class all day and feel as if i have learned nothing....

7) I really hate packing......


So on the bright side I have a funny story to share with the masses who read this blog, all three of you will enjoy this:

As you may or may not know i am in nursing school and each term we have a "video lab." in this lab our fabulous instructor gives us scenarios and one of us acts the part of patient, and another acts the part of nurse. Our acting is then video taped so we can play it back and make fun of each other....

Today I was the nurse....my patient was 16yr old Pete(played by Laurie, an attractive 30something female). Pete was in love with me.

He started off by asking me to rub his neck because it hurt....and as he gazed into my eyes he told me all about his new job at Starbucks....

"your really pretty." "will you rub a little harder?" he reaches out and touches my arm...."Nurses are Hot...I really like those tall black boots i see them wearing on TV, do you have those boots?"

My eyes are huge and all i can think is what the fuck is happening right now.....I am staring at this women, pretending to be a 16 year old boy in love with me and have a hard time stopping the laughter.

I step out to "collaborate" with my peers. "oh my god, what do i do? should i just say hey, you a nice boy but i am your nurse and this is inappropriate." the group agrees that this is a good plan of actions.

Back in Pete's room i stand away from the bed and start to delivery the speech...deep breath....and he grabs my arm...."your so pretty, will you please rub my back....we should go on a date....i think i love you....I could pay for our date, it would be really nice."

"I am to old for you, I am going to find another nurse to work with."

Pete: "we could have a threesome"

"oh me god" and i leave the room in shock....


Needless to say, not my most successful video lab....but for sure the funniest :)

So I need to stop procrastinating and get to work packing all of my crap. Tomorrow one of my girlfriends is coming to help me, and then on Sunday my parents will be here at 9am to move everything 10 miles to my new and amazing apartment....

so as much as i hate packing, I am SO EXCITED to move into my new beautiful apartment

much love
A

Blogging....

The first entry is always the hardest…I don’t want to be one of those ‘dear diary’ girls, but that’s almost what if feels like right now. My first journal was a pink notebook; I would rip the pages out and burn them so that nobody could read the entries. Looking back I don’t think anyone even knew I was journaling….lots of stuff I should not have been doing, lots of fantasies, and lots of complaining….not different from what I plan on doing here….ironic that I used to burn my journal, and now I am posting blogs.

I suppose I should introduce myself.

The name is Amanda; I grew up in a small town and recently relocated to a much larger, more diverse, and scarier city. I feel more comfortable here then I ever did back home. I moved here for school, but will stay for so many other reasons. My family is less then a two hour drive away, that’s not to bad…I can deal with that.

School: This is why I am here, in Portland I mean. The second year of nursing school just started and my life, for the most part, is dedicated to school until June. Last year was crazy, but I rocked. This year is different. Newly single (a long story for another day) I thought I would do better….but this has not proven to be true. The first exam was this morning and I failed. It’s not the end of the world, but it sure felt like it….I have two tests left to redeem myself, and I will!

Work: I don’t have a job….school is a full time job and I am blessed with not caring about being in debt for the next ten years so I live on student loans. God bless the American way…..

Love: Some would call me a serial monogamous….I date one person for way to long, then run at the first sign of real commitment. I was engaged young (18), that ended in having my heart broken and my faith in love shattered. I dated a few people…broke up with them, and then there was T. He was a great person who loved me more then I could have hoped for. We planned our future, struggled through a long distant relationship and my first year of nursing school, but we made it. I found this amazing ring in his headboard….and I flipped out. My past came flooding back and I ran towards it. And that’s where B comes in. He was my first love and I had this fairy tale idea about us living happily ever after. Right after the break with T I was back with B and playing house…the relationship was passionate and intense, we moved in together quickly…the break up was just as quick. Thankfully this one was much less painful….but here I am single for the first time in my adult life.

Home: is where I want to be. Like I said I live two hours away from my family and I just broke up with my boyfriend who I was living with…so this weekend I am moving into an amazing one bedroom apartment. I have lived alone before, but this will be the first place of my own that I truly consider to be home. Its not a temporary dwelling like the previous places…this is going to be my home until I am able to buy a house (its all part of my 5 year plan).


Life: I live it everyday….most days I love it, but some days I don’t want to be here. I have amazing friends who I can count on to shake the hell out of me when I start to fall down. I have this support system that I sometimes find unbelievable. I have my family, my childhood friends, and my grown up friends. of course my childhood friends are grown up now, so its not that i am trying to belittle them or the friendships i have with each of them, but i will continue to call them my childhood friends because i met them during childhood. My grown up friends are the people I have met in the last year, I am not a grown up yet, but i met these people while growing up and so they will be referred to as my grown up friends. This group of grown up friends I have are more like a family i have been adopted into. I was taken in by them and I know they will not let me fall, just as i won't let them fall. they are my friends, family, and my peers in nursing school. we study together, we play together, we cry together...Each person in my life is loved….I may not tell them, but they are loved.

I was playing eye spy with my favorite little kids and I spied a poem on one of the pages….this is the poem I live my live by:

Love many
Trust few
And always row your own canoe.