Blogging....

The first entry is always the hardest…I don’t want to be one of those ‘dear diary’ girls, but that’s almost what if feels like right now. My first journal was a pink notebook; I would rip the pages out and burn them so that nobody could read the entries. Looking back I don’t think anyone even knew I was journaling….lots of stuff I should not have been doing, lots of fantasies, and lots of complaining….not different from what I plan on doing here….ironic that I used to burn my journal, and now I am posting blogs.

I suppose I should introduce myself.

The name is Amanda; I grew up in a small town and recently relocated to a much larger, more diverse, and scarier city. I feel more comfortable here then I ever did back home. I moved here for school, but will stay for so many other reasons. My family is less then a two hour drive away, that’s not to bad…I can deal with that.

School: This is why I am here, in Portland I mean. The second year of nursing school just started and my life, for the most part, is dedicated to school until June. Last year was crazy, but I rocked. This year is different. Newly single (a long story for another day) I thought I would do better….but this has not proven to be true. The first exam was this morning and I failed. It’s not the end of the world, but it sure felt like it….I have two tests left to redeem myself, and I will!

Work: I don’t have a job….school is a full time job and I am blessed with not caring about being in debt for the next ten years so I live on student loans. God bless the American way…..

Love: Some would call me a serial monogamous….I date one person for way to long, then run at the first sign of real commitment. I was engaged young (18), that ended in having my heart broken and my faith in love shattered. I dated a few people…broke up with them, and then there was T. He was a great person who loved me more then I could have hoped for. We planned our future, struggled through a long distant relationship and my first year of nursing school, but we made it. I found this amazing ring in his headboard….and I flipped out. My past came flooding back and I ran towards it. And that’s where B comes in. He was my first love and I had this fairy tale idea about us living happily ever after. Right after the break with T I was back with B and playing house…the relationship was passionate and intense, we moved in together quickly…the break up was just as quick. Thankfully this one was much less painful….but here I am single for the first time in my adult life.

Home: is where I want to be. Like I said I live two hours away from my family and I just broke up with my boyfriend who I was living with…so this weekend I am moving into an amazing one bedroom apartment. I have lived alone before, but this will be the first place of my own that I truly consider to be home. Its not a temporary dwelling like the previous places…this is going to be my home until I am able to buy a house (its all part of my 5 year plan).


Life: I live it everyday….most days I love it, but some days I don’t want to be here. I have amazing friends who I can count on to shake the hell out of me when I start to fall down. I have this support system that I sometimes find unbelievable. I have my family, my childhood friends, and my grown up friends. of course my childhood friends are grown up now, so its not that i am trying to belittle them or the friendships i have with each of them, but i will continue to call them my childhood friends because i met them during childhood. My grown up friends are the people I have met in the last year, I am not a grown up yet, but i met these people while growing up and so they will be referred to as my grown up friends. This group of grown up friends I have are more like a family i have been adopted into. I was taken in by them and I know they will not let me fall, just as i won't let them fall. they are my friends, family, and my peers in nursing school. we study together, we play together, we cry together...Each person in my life is loved….I may not tell them, but they are loved.

I was playing eye spy with my favorite little kids and I spied a poem on one of the pages….this is the poem I live my live by:

Love many
Trust few
And always row your own canoe.