a glass of wine would be nice...

I just want to ask to world around me, “are you fucking kidding me right now.”

I feel confusion and disconnection from the world around me…I’ve never felt quite this off balance before.

I see myself and wonder what I am doing….

When was the last time you held your hand over a flame and watched your skin? It feels a little warm, and does not really hurt until the damage is already done. Maybe it feels a little good so you don’t yank back even though you know its going to scar. You watch the skin turn pink, then red, you see is start to sizzle as the moisture is drawn out….the blister starts to form the skin lifts up and fluid collects in that little pocket, you’re fascinated by the process so you leave it just a moment longer. Your breathing is heavy and shallow as you cope with the pain, not willing to move your hand away from that pain. The skin darkens and the blister is open and the contents sizzling in the fire. You can smell the flesh burning, but you don’t move your hand yet, a force now beyond your control is compelling you to watch. It does not feel good anymore, but your in too deep…this game is no longer fun, but you can’t stop playing. The flesh is raw and seeping, the fluid is clear…you wonder when you will see blood. You think that as soon as you see blood you will stop, when I can’t tolerate the pain I will stop.

My skin just started to sizzle, I yanked back. I feel the compelling urge to reach back in. I know that I can’t, and I’m not going to….but I know it would feel good for a few minutes. Am I willing to trade a few hours of pleasure for a few days of pain? It takes time for wounds to heal, how long would this one take?

Who cares, I am done. That’s that, the person who needs to know, knows….and that’s what counts…I am done playing with this fire. By no means has the fire been extinguished, but I am not going to watch my self get burned again. This is a risk I am not willing to take, not today, and not tomorrow. Its nice to know its there to keep me warm if I need it….maybe someday it will be fully available for me and I won’t have to watch myself burn……..

In the mean time I need to remember that I am available again….hhhmmm being single has always been fun in the past, and this time will be no different…..or maybe it will be….but I will have fun.

So here I am blogging on my bed…the only place that I can feed off of someone else’s internet….I suppose I will go take a bath and read a good book…a glass of wine would be nice, but I drank it all the other day…..hhhmmm water it is.

Goodnight beautiful confusing world