The appropriate kind of crush

So there is this guy. He is the kind of guy I can see myself being with, and unlike so many guys I have dated this year, he is actually appropriate for me. He is 7years older, He makes me laugh, and makes me blush, he makes me want to iron....suddenly I want to be just a little domestic. For some reason he makes me feel like being an adult....like in the good way...not just the paying bills on time way. Like I want to get up and watch the news and drink coffee, I want to make dinner and then do the dishes, I want to play card games and do crosswords together....

The Guy: This guy I met about 9 months ago during my dating spree in Portland. He is smart, and funny, and cute, and warm, he makes me feel warm and comfortable and excited....

The problem: about two months ago I told him I just wanted to be friends, then had the most perfect date night ever with him while I was in Portland last week...no I want to change my mind...I am totally open to more then friendship with him, but I don't know how to tell him!!!

The other problem: I live in Bend now, and he is in Portland...not that big of a deal

Being a girl: Here is the biggest issue for me....I don't know how to like someone who is good for me. I am so used to being the girl that can detach from someone, I generally like people who I can't make a real connection with, someone I have a little fun with and sometimes good sex, but I can walk away from and not be hurt. But not this time....this time I can't detach. And like an idiot I have been pushing him away for the last few months, I'm and idiot!!! shit.

So now I am have to tell him that I changed my mind, without sounding like a psycho, and still avoiding the stupid games. I need to just call when I want to call, and say what I feel like saying...but I need to chill the fuck out.

seriously. I have issues. We talked a few times last week, and everything seems to be good, casual, but good. and now for no reason I am starting to over analyze the entire situation. Does he like me, does he just want to be my friend now? what will he say when I tell him I am open to more then just friendship, will he reject me? I think that is the underlying issue here, my fear of rejection...I do just fine when I am the one rejecting everyone, but god I hate being rejected!!!

and I really hate this stage of having a crush. like I really really hate it....but I love the feeling! I love the butterflies.....

damn it! :)


Hugs
A

am I broken or just mildly fucked up???

I think just a little fucked up, maybe stuck in the past. back when things were easy and the sex was always good....because you did not know otherwise.

One year ago I broke up (for the third time) with my first love(it all started when I was 14). He beat me with his negative attitude towards the world, he broke my spirit and killed my self esteem, but damn the sex was good, so I went back for some more.

and here I sit.....thinking about the second love of my life, the man (well, man-boy) I was engaged two.....almost 4 years ago our wedding date went by (yes I was 20, yes that would have sucked). I am letting myself forget the bad, the bad and the ugly. like how he cheated on me. like how he called me a nagging bitch, how it was ok for him to make out with my brother's girlfriend and break not only my heart, but the heart of my unbreakable brother. It's kind of a funny story.....

I was 19, Pat (the bro) was 17 (god we were young). M(the fiance) decided that pat's girl (K) was a good girl to go for. so he makes out with her, and pat walks in...he turns around walks away. So M tells me, and calm rational amanda loses it and nearly breaks her fist on the door of 98 red chevy silverado. ooops. sorry, don't fuck with my family.....

(ok the clouds are clearing and the ex is not looking so fantastic anymore.....)

i remember the first time we had sex like it was yesterday. It was a snow day (yes I was young, get over it). We had at least 10 candles burning in my bedroom. I remember how nervous he was, I can almost remember the way he smelled.....a little sweaty, a littly spicy, a little like winter......
.....we planned a winter wedding. it was red and black. My dress was amazing......I was running everyday and on a strict no carb diet so the dress would be perfect.....I was in college and he was my farmer. I had an amazing little diamond ring that sparkled in the sun.....god it great, it was all my own and he had worked so hard to buy it for me......
.......The day I gave it back to him was so painful, yet it gave me freedom again. He asked me to keep it because I might change my mind. He still loved me and was sorry for everything (and yet still dating my brothers girlfriend) I remember so clearly standing on my moms porch handing it to him in the original box, and telling him I had to give it back, his mom had called and yelled at me.....
............I remember the night he gave me that ring.......
and the good feelings all rush back. It was amazing and perfect and I loved him so fucking much
loved, past tence, thats good news that I stuck the ed on the end of love.....


So whats my issue. Do I need to re-date every guy I ever dated so I will stop going over this in my head. do I really need to let them break me down all over again the way they did the first time.

NO. I need to stop this. I need to remember the good, but also remember the lesson I learned.

Well....what was the lesson???? fuck, I don't know. all I know is that now I can't stop thinking about M....It's probably because I saw him at a funeral last summer, and because I had dinner with one of our mutual friends last night....and she has a baby. I wonder if I had gotten married 4 years ago if I would have any babies???? oh wow. I know I would not be here now, I would probably have stuck around philomath and gone to the local CC for nursing school....not a bad school, but not at all what I really wanted to do.

wow if feels good to be totally open with all of this.

I'm just saying the sex was good. because I had no idea it could be better. and life is better.

wow. what a totally lame blog ;) lol

much love
A

a quick update...an incomplete update

So check this out....
I am still doing good, loosing weight finally...my waist in present again :) lol

My computer is dead...I am mailing it to HP tomorrow. thankfully it's still under warranty!

I am totally pissed that my best friend has moved across the country without a goodbye or see you the fuck later. I can't get ahold of her, and really I just want to make sure she is alive and healthy. I can only imagine how others must feel. whatever. not my problem anymore.

I am itching to do some more comedy...I was good at it, and really want the opportunity to keep going with it.

I am feeling lonely. in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, the loneliness is palpable.

I work nights, its good but it also sucks.

Yup, it's true.

FUCKIN A'

I love my new job, and I love my new home.

I miss my friends from Portland. (dude, call me)

I miss my family in Philomath.

I am happy

I drink a bit too much wine from time to time

The charge is super hot

I can't wait to start an IV

My apartment is 100 degrees

I can finally sleep in the dark

My ankles are swollen from the altitude change and the lack of water

I hike almost daily now

I am in love with this new life of mine

join me?
A

ugggg

Christ I am bored already.

I have been in this town for, like two days.....

I miss Portland. I miss my friends. I miss not living out of a box! lol

Ok, I have had a bit of fun.....I floated down the river today.

Now I am sitting on my sofa in my great new apartment watching season two of Grey's Anatomy because I don't have any channels except OPB. freakin OPB. i watched antique roadshow today. SAWEEET DUDE!

ok, peace out.
A

Terror and Love, life is changing...

So I did it, I have graduated from nursing school. in less then a month I will be working as a Registered Nurse in Bend, Oregon. I have to pack all my earthly possessions and drive them over the pass and put them all back where they belong in a new home, in a new town. Not the first time that I have made a big move, and I doubt it will be the last. I now know that it feels good to move about, but it is hard to leave the people you meet along the way.



Over the past two years I have met the family I will have for the rest of my life. N, J, C, and S. We will all go our separate ways, but forever be in each others lives.



I got a phone call a few weeks ago, N was in the hospital. I was so terrified that I was going to lose my best friend. She is better now, physically. In some ways I had already lost her. We have separated over the last few months, it has been a struggle for me. This was an eye opener for me. Our relationships are precious, no matter the stage of the relationship. Maybe we are not as close as we once were, our lives are going in separate directions, but I love her no less. She is still my best friend, the only person who knows all my secrets. The one who does not judge me, or try to change me.

I have come to realize something else about love and sex. (I know big topic change). I don't know that I am capable of having sex the way that i once did. I remember now what it is to be held in the arms of someone you are in love with. I don't know that I can return from that. The only real problem is that he is gone, and will never know how I feel. That is OK. I will find someone amazing and perfect for me. It will take time, and I have time. I am only 23 years old, the world is at my fingertips!!

A life was lost this last week. An 18 year old girl who had just graduated from high school. She was close to my baby brother. I met her while they were dating back in May. I feel bad now, for asking myself if she was good enough for him. I decided that she was great, just about the time that they broke up. I had seen her a few time after the break up, they were still close friends. She was in a car accident, the rode gave way and her vehicle fell 250 feet down a cliff, and she is gone now. may her soul be in peace, and her parents treasure the love she will continue to give them each day.

I really do miss him, I have not even told N about him....hopefully I will see her before I leave for Bend. I don't know when I will be back in Portland, it could be a few months!!!

Well that is all I have for now. Just wanted to update you all on my fun and exciting life ;)

Life is changing. I am happy. I am loved. Life is good :)

much love
Amanda

First Job Interview

I was called for my first job interview today...totally excited. Its a Med/Surg position in Bend Oregon. I love central oregon so this could be good. I am nervous about the interview, and scared about the possibility of moving.......

wish me luck
A

New stuff...

the final is in ONE week and then...I will be able to take NCLEX and become a RN :)

I went to a baseball game with a guy, who I like...I don't know if it was a date and I dont' care because I finally had fun with a dude who was respectful and kind!

I applied for the following jobs:
Portland OR: OSHU bone marrow transplant
II Peds Hematology/Oncology
Corvallis OR: ICU/CCU New grad internship (this one would be amazing)
Alaska: Providence Health...they need nurses bad and will pay moving costs....
and camp nurse :) wahoo

I really want to stay in Portland, but I would move to back to Corvallis for the right job, or to Alaska for the right price/job....you know how it is!

If I end up having to move for work I will put the linfield RN-BSN program off for a few years, or go to another school when I relocate....

I played with my friend Tonya's new baby...I got my fill and realize I am so not ready for one on my own, but can't wait to play with Claire again!!!

I have been working out way more then I was a few months ago....no weight lost, but I feel so much better

I just ate a bunch of chocolate ice cream and that's why I don't' lose weight ;) lol

and now, I have hella cramps so I am going to bed and wishing I had someone to snuggle with!!!!

much love
A

Test anxiety

Is setting in. My stomach hurts and my heart is pounding. My breath is caught in my throat. Tears are pressed against my eyes.

Take a deep breath. Clear you mind. Listen to the music, let it wash over you.

I can do this. Three test left until I am finished with Nursing School. Then NCLEX. I am doing this, this is real. Look at how bright the light is....now don't fail this test.

No pressure.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Everytime my phone rings I think it might be him....but its usually someone else. damn

I need to go for a run!

And I need a hug

Much love
A

an update on school...

School is hell. Ok, its not that bad. It is so hard to focus on studying when the internship and other projects are eating up so much of my time. I have Summary 1 next Thursday and i have not studied at all. I am headed down the studying path, I am organized and ready to go...but I can't bring myself to actually study. damn, I cant' fail out of Nursing school in the last term!!!

Preceptorship is going really well. I am at KSMC Oncology (on the east side of town). I am working with a great nurse, who is intelligent and skilled at what she does. On Tuesday I completed my fourth 12.5 hour shift. My feet are getting used to it, but my brain is still a bit foggy towards the end of the day. I took on the care of two patients, and managed to have everything done, and I was somewhat organized. I really need to devise a more appropriate "brain." "brain" is what we call the piece of paper we carry around with all the patient info on it. this is how we keep track of who needs what, when. You would be shocked at how difficult it is to manage 6 patients meds, procedures, and treatments during a 12 hour shift. The good news for Oncology nurses is that we only take 3 or 4 patients...but the bad news is that the care is much more acute. When a patient is receiving chemotherapy their status could change at any moment. So far, everyone I have worked with has stayed "healthy" I have a mini project to do today in preparation for tomorrow. I have to teach the other nurses about the use of IVIG in patients with Thrombocytopenia....and I really don't understand why the get immunoglobulin for low blood counts....guess I will be looking it up today :)

As far as projects go...I turned in the first draft of my final paper, that was a huge weight off my shoulders. Now I have to work on the community paper, the management project, a large teaching project, and of course I have to study for the exams. OH, and i have to be prepared for NCLEX at the end of June

NCLEX is the big test that all Nurses have to pass in order to receive a license. You spend anywhere from 45min-6 hours in front of a computer. During that time the computer will decided if you are smart enough to be a nurse, or too dumb to be a nurse, and will shut off accordingly. if you answer all correctly for 45min, you pass. if you answer all wrong for 45 min, you fail....either way, the computer shuts off and you have no idea if you passed or failed. But if you are answering some right and some wrong it will keep going until it can tell how much knowledge you do or do not have. FUCK, I am nervous about that test.

I am organizing a review session for my classmates with an instructor at a different school. I really pissed off the faculty here at PCC. Not my intention, just trying to do something good for myself and my classmates. It will be a two day class, costing only $125 each. in terms of review classes that is dirt cheap. The class that PCC is offering in 5 days and costs $450, and has a required text that costs $100+. So I am going to push forwards and advocate for my broke ass that those of my fellow classmates!!!!

Ok, I have to stop blogging and start studying.

much love
Amanda

This feeling....

I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being happier for them. I feel guilty because I am jealous. I am pretending that these are tears of happiness, but I am sad. I am sad that they are moving forward with their families, and I am sitting in the library alone, and will return to an empty apartment.

I feel guilty because I am being selfish in wanting baby N. baby N is just over a year old and is the process of becoming a ward of the state of Oregon. I have been working with him since he came to the foster home with a skull fracture and a spiral fracture of his femur. He is a happy loving child now, and in need of a loving family. I want to be that family for him. badly. He will be "up for adoption" in about 6months. In 6 months I will be settled into a full time job as an RN. I will be making upwards of 50k a year. In 6 months I will still be in love with baby N, but he won't be with me. He will be with some other, more deserving family. One with a mother and a father, with two incomes, a two car garage, and a dog. I hate that I am going to have to say goodbye to him. i hate that I am saying goodbye to baby N, and so many people in my life are bringing babies into their lives.

I am not one to make a rash decision. I am not ready to conceive a child, that I will need a husband for. This little boy who needs a family now. Yes I am only 23, and yes my life would change dramatically, but it would all be worth it.

I had this conversation with my mom last night. she tore the dream right out of my heart. she told me it would be selfish for me to adopt him. Reminded me that it takes two to raise a child. Told me all about a couple she knows who are desperate to have child, yet cannot conceive. I learned all about their jobs, their perfect home, their amazing dog. I even learned that they were interested when my mom told them about baby N.... Mom went onto remind me that I would be a single mother, and that would make my chances of finding a husband more difficult. This is not about finding a husband I thought to myself. I am not even looking for a husband. this is about a baby who was taken away from abusive parents and needs to be loved for the rest of his life.

So yes, I am being selfish. I am sorry I can't look at pictures of your baby and be happier for you. I have so much love to give, nobody can see that I could do this. I know its crazy. possibly the craziest thing I have ever wanted. I think about baby N everyday, and how amazing it would be to have him call me mommy, to chase him around a playground in the spring, and teach him to swim in the summer. To read him a bedtime story each night. to watch him grow and learn, become stronger and healthier, to giggle with him and cry with him.

I am not going to be adopting any children for years to come. A girl can dream. A girl can wish. A girl can be happy for her friends and jealous all at the same time. A girl can cry over a baby she will never have.

-A

while Im being honest...

I have a need.
I need to feel skin.
fingers in my hair.
lips on mine.

I need some heat.
some passion
something different.
new.

Im feeling dirty.

one person is all its going to take.
one look
one moment.

its burning a hole in the pit of my stomach
I have no idea what to do with this feeling.
how am I going to release it?


running
cold shower
reading something sad
talked to my mom

nothing is erasing this need. someone throw me in the lake.....
before I jump.......

like a porn star

When was the last time you fake and baked? I do it every spring to get a nice base tan for the summer...I burn so badly without the base tan that I can barely move for half the summer. So I

went to the gym yesterday and got in this amazing workout. When i finished the workout I ran downstairs and to the tanning area...stand up beds only. have you ever used a stand up bed? you stand (naked of course) with arms out holding onto poles to keep you in the same position for "even coverage." So i am standing there naked with my arms out, thinking to myself....this is the closest I will ever be to a porn star, and nobody can see me. lol, it was a moment to be shared.

OK, so the workout was seriously amazing. I feel great right now, and I'm getting ready to go back in about an hour. my only issue is that my left foot becomes very painful about halfway through my 45 min of cardio. I have been using this kick ass cross trainer machine that works my entire body...I have no idea why it only hurt the arch of my left foot. ibuprofen before I go today!!!!

onto men, my fav subject. I am having an issue with my standards about teeth. I don't know what my deal is, but teeth are really important to me. maybe its my biological need to reproduce perfect children....

and the second issue for now, intelligence. I need to be with someone at least as intelligent as me. I know I am not a freakin genius, I am not great at spelling, and math is not my thing. But I AM smart. I graduate from nursing school in 1.5months...i gotta have something going on up there. lol. so if a dude can't spell phone, does it make me a bitch because I don't want to email him back???? I don't' know. but come on "fone" really? I would have no clue what that was if not for the fact it was followed closely my a Phone number....

Ok, I have homework to finish then I am off to the gym. I love the burn...

it hurts so good. lol
much love,
Amanda

Freaking out....

I am stressed to that max tonight. I have a final tomorrow morning. Finals scare me more then other exams because there is no recovering when you bomb one. This is truly a make or break me situation. I can miss 36 questions...there is no fucking way I am going to miss that many questions, but its still scary know that I could fail out of nursing school tomorrow.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can......

I can do this, I know this material...I fucking rocked both midterms...but I still feel like throwing up on my sneakers....

Then on top of this I am stressed about money...I live alone, therefore all of my bills are my responsibility....1100 a month worth of bills.....all paid by student loans, and now I am waiting for my parents to cosign for my last loan....they won't sign for a few more weeks because they are trying to buy a new house. So meanwhile I am living on less money then I did back in the day when i lived off of one crappy min wage job. If I had stayed with my working habits I would be fine. I used to work three jobs and bring home enough to pay all of my bills and play. now I don't get to play, and my bills aren't going to get paid because I don't have any money....So I am going to try to pick up as many extra shifts over spring break as I possible can. Please let someone get sick so they have to call me in!!!! (and I love my job, so working rocks)

FUCK I HATE MONEY, I can't wait to actually have some again.

Just to make things even MORE exciting I have pneumonia. I am coughing bright yellow gunk out of lungs. I can feel it rattling around in my lungs, gross.

OK, i have to go to bed so I am well rested for the test tomorrow morning. I need a hug....

with love-
A

Picky Pants....

I have discovered that I am entirely to picky. and that I focus on all the wrong things. I am on this quest to find the perfect person to date, and it has had its ups and downs. The downs have been pretty bad, and the ups have been rather anti-climatic. I have met two really interesting men in the last week or so. I will admit that I met one online, and the other in a hip little pub on Mcadams. The problem? one is not perfect and the other is not age appropriate. So this leads me to two questions?
A) what is age appropriate for a 23 y/o with the world at her feet?
So how old is too old? is it OK for me to date someone who is 15 years more experienced in life then I am? Does it really matter so long as i laugh while with this person? All I know is that I cant stop thinking about this old guy....
But then I ask my self is laughter enough? and this leads us to question B and the other guy I met.....I laughed until I cried. I drank so much the world was blurry.
B) what is perfection for me???
How do I define perfection? I know I will never find absolute perfection....but there has to be something close to the perfect date for me.

And what about him was not perfect? he was smart, funny, attractive, etc....but there was just a little something missing. I suppose I will see him again, just to be sure....

and while on this....why am I looking for perfection at this point? really I just want to date, laugh, be happy, and meet good people. So why am I trying to define anything, when the last thing I want is a definition of what’s what with who. I am a free entity and would like to stay that way....I just want a part time boyfriend...not a husband, not perfection....just fancy free fun...someone to enjoy a few meals with, someone to dance with on Saturday nights, someone to watch a movie with and maybe wake up with a couple of morning a week. but that someone has to leave and let me be. they have to accept my need for my own space and time with my girls. someone who is not going to cry when I decide its time to move on. someone who understand that at first, this won't be exclusive. It takes time to be sure that one person is just the right one to give up the ability to dance with someone else....I am a bit leery about making any commitments right now....the best I can do at this point is the commitment to have fun....that’s what I have to offer....fun. laughter. energy. spontaneity. winks. and warm hugs.

Fuck

I am tired.....

and I can't fall asleep at night EVER. I can fall asleep during class no problem, or while I am walking down the street. but never when I am snuggled in my warm comfy bed.

I rocked the test yesterday......92% one of my better scores in nursing schools!!! I drank way too much and got my ass kicked by a drag queen down town......what a great day :)

lol

time to force myself to sleep......

much love
A

Goals....

Previously I blogged about my goal of feeling healthier, and better about myself. Like most girls I have issues with my weight, and my self-esteem is not what it once was. I don't' want to sound conceited, because Im not, but I know Im not an ugly girl....but right now I feel like a fat girl, and that is really killing me. I have never been "skinny" nor do I want to be...but I would like to be closer to my ideal weight. (I am about 45 more then I should be). I know I can't just bitch about it, I need to be proactive. I need to be acountable and have some motivation to get my ass in shape :) lol. So here is the plan....

Motivation: The ladies in the nursing program with me are starting a weight loss challenge. $5 each, person who loses the biggest percentage wins the pot!!!! (25 or so already entered)

Identify: I have to Identify the reasons I have gained weight before I can reverse it
1) sendentary life style (school/studying all the time)
2) unhealthy snacking while studying
3)depression eating
4) poor meal choices during the day
5) poor choices while away from home.....

How: How do I change all of this?????? So I know I have to work out at least 4-5 times per week to see a real difference. I must burn more calories then I put in. But I have to eat enough to stay out of starvation mode.

I am working on the depression....snacking because I am sad has stopped since the wellbutrin starting working, so now I have to focus on making healthy snack choices while studying....
Good study snacks: fruits, veggies, whole wheat crackers, rice cakes, granola bars, yogurt, etc.
Food on the go? I have a guide that tells me what reasturants have good choices, and what foods to avoid....I put it my purse today, now I have to actually look at it and make better choices!!!!
Food at home: time is always an issue and I don't have much time to cook so I usually make mac and cheese or some pre-prepared nastiness thats fills the void....BUT I know that salad is easy and with the right stuff on it, very filling and healthy!!!! Progressive makes really yummy low cal/low Na soups, turkey sandwich with avo is my all time favorite and super easy to make, and if all else fails I love eating cereal for dinner :)
Beaverages.....gots to stop with the dark beers and caramel macchiatos, switch to low fat latte with a splenda (already made this switch, I like it)....and Its time to stop drinking so much beer. When I go out I can choose a low cal adult beverage....vodka is carb free...I will do some research :)

The plan???? change my eating habits and put the gym in my planner. If I write it down and always have gym clothes with me I will actually go. I know I will, becasue I used to work out three times a week without fail!!!!!! I can do this, I know I can!!!!

Tomorrow I have clinical from 2-10. It will take about an hour to get there from my gym.....hit the gym before 11 and I know I will have time to get cleaned up and be ontime to the foster home. (where I am working with some amazing medically fragile children check out my myspace blog www.myspace.com/amanda_kayeleen.) tuesday I am there 12-8 So I will go straight to the gym from there and watch bones while I am on the eliptical. Wednesday study group from 1030-till we get done so if we finish by 8 I will be able to make it to the gym! Thursday is a no go because we have the first mid-term.) Friday I will go to the gym at 4 when school is all finished up!

The gym back is packed and ready to go in the am!!!!! OK, here's to being motivated and making a positive change in my life :)

Now I have to go study for my GIANT test on thursday....i am so totally freaking out.
luckily I have stopped crying!!!!

much love,
Amanda

What makes a grown up???

What makes a grown up?

Is it someone who supports themself?

Someone who is able to find joy in their own life?

Independance?

Strength?

is it an age?

or a state of mind?

someone who pays all their own bills?

do you have to old to be a grown up?

is it motivation or ambition?

am I not a grown up because I don't partake in some activities?

really, why do you have the right to think I am not a grown up? I am 23, have lived on my own and payed my own bills for 4 years. thats more then what can be said for you when you were 23.

Yes is was childish for me to react that way, but fuck you. don't sit around and joke about me not being a grown up because some sexual acts freak me the fuck out....I am a grown ass woman and I take care of myself....sorry if you don't like the fact that Im not as fucking freaky as you.

Good thing I am even more pissed at you then ever....

Fuck, I am fucking done.

More on my dating nightmares

First I have to tell you all about the worst date I have ever been on in my life.....I am an idiot and when on yet another date with a guy I met online....you would think I know better...this may have been the last straw....

He asks me to pick him up because he is having "car issues" No prob, for me...if anyone understands a broken down car its this girl. I drove some real piece of crap cars until I could aford my brand new Kia...not the coolest car, but it runs great and has a warrenty :)

So before dinner this is what I know, or think I know about this guy. 26 y/o student living with his parents to help get done with school. works at target to pay for school, and has a broken down car.

here is what I find out: 26, works at target, not a student, no ambition to move out of his parents house, and he is not having care issues...he does not have fucking car or a drivers lisence. WTF????

after dinner I am like, "hey what are we going to do now?" the responce I get..."I don't know." I suggest getting a beer, he does not drink. I suggest getting coffee, he does not drink coffee.

OK the two beverages I live on right now, he does not drink!!! (OK i don't live on beer, but I love to drink a few on the weekends)

OK, we could go for a walk, its to colde

OK, we can watch a movie, Im not allowed in his parents house and the movie theatre is not showing anything for over an hour.

we go to a park and swing, he complains about the cold some more.....

his suggestion: wanna give me a blow job

OH MY FUCK, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????????

On a less distressing note I keep getting strange text messages from a few of the guys I have gone out with. They just say HI.....how do I respond to that? I just say hi back? do they want to know how my day is going...or do they want to see me again??? come on guys, give me hint.

OK I am really actually done dating until I am done with school and can meet a normal person in real life, not online.

someone help me understand why this has to be so difficult. It was so much easier in high school when the boy just asked you to be his gf then you held hands in the hallway....whats wrong with that now???? hahahahah

much love

Amanda :)

The coffee is ready....

My new meds seem to be helping. Its been almost a month and I am already feeling like a human again. The side effects of the Wellbutrin are much less then the prozac, so this might work..

The only problem is distingusing between depression and real lonliness at this point. I have been out with a few guys in the last month or so, but none of them seem to care about what I have to say. I need to talk to someone about the things I do during clinical, someone who really cares that my heart breaks with the little girls fall asleep in my lap.

L is a 6y/o with CHARGE syndrome...she is almost deaf, nearly blind, has a heart defect, a trachostomy, and a gastrostomy. She communicates with loud noises and physical contact. last night she walked over to me, i was sitting in a cushy chair taking my break, L craweld up on my lap and made herself comfy. She fell asleep right there on my lap. Its amazing to know that she trusts me and I am a safe person for her. She is so adorable....its her distictly different face, sweet eyes, and loud noises that make her who she is. I come home from clinical every monday and tuesday and cry. I am saddened by her situation, but so in love with her little personality. She lives in a foster home because she is so medically fragile and her parents just could not handle it. She really could not be in a better place though. She is safe, cared for, and loved deeply by everyone in the home. I really could take her home and love her as my own...she is perfectly imperfect.

Every guy I have gone out with has changed the subject while I am talking about her. I know disabilities make people uncomfortable, but this is what I do now, and will continue to do for the rest of my life. The people in my life have to be able to handle it too. I need to be able to talk to the people I love about what I do....I need to unwind at the end of a long and emotionally exhausting day. So thats the ultimate make or break em' test for the potential dates. Be able to talk about my work...the sad, the gross, the hard, the joy, the gross, and the fun.....

How do you tell someone you don't want to see them again because you don't like the way they react when you talk about the kids you take care of twice a week?? Sorry, You don't care about what I have to say or what I do with my life, so Im done with you? thats seems so bitchy....can't I just stop talking them cold....thats what I did before....but I suppose that bitchy too. well hell...

I am going to put dating out of my mind until I finish school in June. I need to focus and pass all of my upcoming tests so I can actually continue doing what I love, nursing.

stupid boys :)

Switching meds....

After struggling to be compliant with Prozac I am finally switching to a med with less reported side effects....lets hope this works....

Side effects: CNS: SEIZURES, agitation, headache, insomnia, mania, psychoses, GI: dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, change in appetite, weight gain, weight loss, Derm: photosensitivity, Endo: hyperglycemia, hypoglycemia, syndrome of inappropriate ADH secretion, Neuro: tremor, (davis drug guide for Wellbutrin XL)

Wahoo, this list is a quarter the size of the list for Prozac. I am a little worried about the insomnia and hypoglycemia because I already struggle with both of those things anyways....but only a few people end up with these effects, with any luck I will not be one of the few!!!!!

OK, Winter term starts today, I am trying some new meds, my apartment is clean, and the plumber is coming to fix my water heater sometime this am.....could today be any better????? yes, the coffee could be ready :)

A world of couples....

Everyone I know has a life with someone else, and my life is solitary. Don't get me wrong, I love me life, I really really do. But I am lonely.

everyone I love has a partner. All of my friends from high school are married or living with their boyfriends. My best friend Nicole is married and has children. All of my friends from OSU are married.........or living with their partners........

So it makes since that I am lonely.....

But I am done complaining now. I am going to watch my new favorite movie, organize my things, and try to put myself in a better frame of mind.

Much love
A

The Resolution

OK, so here it is. MY resolution for 2008.
I want to be healthy.
I want to feel sexy.
I want to be able to run down the street without feeling like I am going to pass out.
I want to fall in love with the boy next door, but that not going to happen.....

So because nursing school is crazy and I eat and sleep when I have time I know that vowing to lose any weight is fucking insane and not do-able. So I am have made a goal that my nursing instructor would approve of as it meet the SMART criteria....

Hit the gym twice a week starting this week for the next three months.
See this is specific measurable realistic attainable and on a time frame...SMART

I love you all so help me do this....read on and follow my struggle to make it to the gym twice a week, you will be surprised at how difficult it really is......