This feeling....

I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being happier for them. I feel guilty because I am jealous. I am pretending that these are tears of happiness, but I am sad. I am sad that they are moving forward with their families, and I am sitting in the library alone, and will return to an empty apartment.

I feel guilty because I am being selfish in wanting baby N. baby N is just over a year old and is the process of becoming a ward of the state of Oregon. I have been working with him since he came to the foster home with a skull fracture and a spiral fracture of his femur. He is a happy loving child now, and in need of a loving family. I want to be that family for him. badly. He will be "up for adoption" in about 6months. In 6 months I will be settled into a full time job as an RN. I will be making upwards of 50k a year. In 6 months I will still be in love with baby N, but he won't be with me. He will be with some other, more deserving family. One with a mother and a father, with two incomes, a two car garage, and a dog. I hate that I am going to have to say goodbye to him. i hate that I am saying goodbye to baby N, and so many people in my life are bringing babies into their lives.

I am not one to make a rash decision. I am not ready to conceive a child, that I will need a husband for. This little boy who needs a family now. Yes I am only 23, and yes my life would change dramatically, but it would all be worth it.

I had this conversation with my mom last night. she tore the dream right out of my heart. she told me it would be selfish for me to adopt him. Reminded me that it takes two to raise a child. Told me all about a couple she knows who are desperate to have child, yet cannot conceive. I learned all about their jobs, their perfect home, their amazing dog. I even learned that they were interested when my mom told them about baby N.... Mom went onto remind me that I would be a single mother, and that would make my chances of finding a husband more difficult. This is not about finding a husband I thought to myself. I am not even looking for a husband. this is about a baby who was taken away from abusive parents and needs to be loved for the rest of his life.

So yes, I am being selfish. I am sorry I can't look at pictures of your baby and be happier for you. I have so much love to give, nobody can see that I could do this. I know its crazy. possibly the craziest thing I have ever wanted. I think about baby N everyday, and how amazing it would be to have him call me mommy, to chase him around a playground in the spring, and teach him to swim in the summer. To read him a bedtime story each night. to watch him grow and learn, become stronger and healthier, to giggle with him and cry with him.

I am not going to be adopting any children for years to come. A girl can dream. A girl can wish. A girl can be happy for her friends and jealous all at the same time. A girl can cry over a baby she will never have.

-A