The coffee is ready....

My new meds seem to be helping. Its been almost a month and I am already feeling like a human again. The side effects of the Wellbutrin are much less then the prozac, so this might work..

The only problem is distingusing between depression and real lonliness at this point. I have been out with a few guys in the last month or so, but none of them seem to care about what I have to say. I need to talk to someone about the things I do during clinical, someone who really cares that my heart breaks with the little girls fall asleep in my lap.

L is a 6y/o with CHARGE syndrome...she is almost deaf, nearly blind, has a heart defect, a trachostomy, and a gastrostomy. She communicates with loud noises and physical contact. last night she walked over to me, i was sitting in a cushy chair taking my break, L craweld up on my lap and made herself comfy. She fell asleep right there on my lap. Its amazing to know that she trusts me and I am a safe person for her. She is so adorable....its her distictly different face, sweet eyes, and loud noises that make her who she is. I come home from clinical every monday and tuesday and cry. I am saddened by her situation, but so in love with her little personality. She lives in a foster home because she is so medically fragile and her parents just could not handle it. She really could not be in a better place though. She is safe, cared for, and loved deeply by everyone in the home. I really could take her home and love her as my own...she is perfectly imperfect.

Every guy I have gone out with has changed the subject while I am talking about her. I know disabilities make people uncomfortable, but this is what I do now, and will continue to do for the rest of my life. The people in my life have to be able to handle it too. I need to be able to talk to the people I love about what I do....I need to unwind at the end of a long and emotionally exhausting day. So thats the ultimate make or break em' test for the potential dates. Be able to talk about my work...the sad, the gross, the hard, the joy, the gross, and the fun.....

How do you tell someone you don't want to see them again because you don't like the way they react when you talk about the kids you take care of twice a week?? Sorry, You don't care about what I have to say or what I do with my life, so Im done with you? thats seems so bitchy....can't I just stop talking them cold....thats what I did before....but I suppose that bitchy too. well hell...

I am going to put dating out of my mind until I finish school in June. I need to focus and pass all of my upcoming tests so I can actually continue doing what I love, nursing.

stupid boys :)