am I broken or just mildly fucked up???

I think just a little fucked up, maybe stuck in the past. back when things were easy and the sex was always good....because you did not know otherwise.

One year ago I broke up (for the third time) with my first love(it all started when I was 14). He beat me with his negative attitude towards the world, he broke my spirit and killed my self esteem, but damn the sex was good, so I went back for some more.

and here I sit.....thinking about the second love of my life, the man (well, man-boy) I was engaged two.....almost 4 years ago our wedding date went by (yes I was 20, yes that would have sucked). I am letting myself forget the bad, the bad and the ugly. like how he cheated on me. like how he called me a nagging bitch, how it was ok for him to make out with my brother's girlfriend and break not only my heart, but the heart of my unbreakable brother. It's kind of a funny story.....

I was 19, Pat (the bro) was 17 (god we were young). M(the fiance) decided that pat's girl (K) was a good girl to go for. so he makes out with her, and pat walks in...he turns around walks away. So M tells me, and calm rational amanda loses it and nearly breaks her fist on the door of 98 red chevy silverado. ooops. sorry, don't fuck with my family.....

(ok the clouds are clearing and the ex is not looking so fantastic anymore.....)

i remember the first time we had sex like it was yesterday. It was a snow day (yes I was young, get over it). We had at least 10 candles burning in my bedroom. I remember how nervous he was, I can almost remember the way he smelled.....a little sweaty, a littly spicy, a little like winter......
.....we planned a winter wedding. it was red and black. My dress was amazing......I was running everyday and on a strict no carb diet so the dress would be perfect.....I was in college and he was my farmer. I had an amazing little diamond ring that sparkled in the sun.....god it great, it was all my own and he had worked so hard to buy it for me......
.......The day I gave it back to him was so painful, yet it gave me freedom again. He asked me to keep it because I might change my mind. He still loved me and was sorry for everything (and yet still dating my brothers girlfriend) I remember so clearly standing on my moms porch handing it to him in the original box, and telling him I had to give it back, his mom had called and yelled at me.....
............I remember the night he gave me that ring.......
and the good feelings all rush back. It was amazing and perfect and I loved him so fucking much
loved, past tence, thats good news that I stuck the ed on the end of love.....


So whats my issue. Do I need to re-date every guy I ever dated so I will stop going over this in my head. do I really need to let them break me down all over again the way they did the first time.

NO. I need to stop this. I need to remember the good, but also remember the lesson I learned.

Well....what was the lesson???? fuck, I don't know. all I know is that now I can't stop thinking about M....It's probably because I saw him at a funeral last summer, and because I had dinner with one of our mutual friends last night....and she has a baby. I wonder if I had gotten married 4 years ago if I would have any babies???? oh wow. I know I would not be here now, I would probably have stuck around philomath and gone to the local CC for nursing school....not a bad school, but not at all what I really wanted to do.

wow if feels good to be totally open with all of this.

I'm just saying the sex was good. because I had no idea it could be better. and life is better.

wow. what a totally lame blog ;) lol

much love
A