The waiting game

I really hate waiting....I especially hate waiting for the phone to ring!!!

Legs curled up....

my legs are tucked under me, I can see the tips of my black boots peeking out and I wonder why I am wearing these boots?

They are black leather and knee high. the three inch heels are sharp spikes, and the toes are shraply pointed. I put them on without considering what they mean to me.

The shiny buckles have not been out of the closet for nearly two years. The last time I wore them I me T, the one I almost married. They carry with them memories and confidence.

But they hurt...I have been wearing them for only a few minutes and I can already tell my feet and legs will ache by the end of the night.

It's silly to put so much meaning on a pair of black boots....

I think I might but them back in the closet for another night.....

Or perhaps I am ready wear them again? am I ready to move on finally? not just from T, but from my past? am I ready to shed the pain from that night so long ago? I feel free of it.....but perhaps its just hanging back waiting for the right time to come out in a dream. I have not had one of the dreams for a few months now.....only time will tell.

The Guitar

I have wanted to learn how to play the guitar for years. I finally have the opportunity, but no time. Mom and dad bought me an acoustic Fender for my birthday; exactly what I wanted. Its so plain and so perfect. I don't really even know how to hold it, I feel silly holding it and wishing I could make it sound as perfect as I know it can. It feels so good to even know the notes for each string.....

I am home for the week of both my birthday and Christmas, its good to be home, but i forgot my meds on the kitchen counter of my apartment. I have not told mom, but I think she knows. We continue to argue on a regular basis about my ability to comply. I am a nursing student for fucks sake, I know the consequences of not taking the little blue pill each day. But the side effects make it hard to want to be compliant.

Prozac:
CNS: SEIZURES, anxiety, drowsiness, headache, insomnia, nervousness, abnormal dreams, dizziness, fatigue, hypomania, mania, weakness, EENT: stuffy nose, visual disturbances, Resp: cough, CV: chest pain, palpitations, GI: diarrhea, abdominal pain, abnormal taste, anorexia, constipation, dry mouth, dyspepsia, nausea, vomiting, weight loss, GU: sexual dysfunction, urinary frequency, Derm: excessive sweating, pruritus, erythema nodusum, flushing, rashes, Endo: dysmenorrhea, MS: arthralgia, back pain, myalgia, Neuro: tremor, Misc: allergic reactions, fever, flu-like syndrome, hot flashes, sensitivity reaction (davis drug guide)

Highlighted in orange are the symptoms i deal with on a regular basis, the only one that is bad enough to make me crazy is the sexual dysfunction.....I think its time to switch to a med that allows me to have a normal sex life. Honestly, I'm not having sex on a regular basis at this point, but do you know how embarrassing it is to explain that I can't get there, sorry you're wasting your time....

I have nausea and a headache from suddenly stopping. I can tell I am slipping into a mild depression again; all I want to do is sleep. its hard for me to have the motivation to shower and get dressed....even on Christmas morning. It amazes me that three days without my meds can have this profound of an affect. I talked to one of my nursing instructors about this, she has encouraged me to remain on meds until finished with nursing school in June. I will try, but something has to change....

School starts again on the 7th of January, can you believe its almost 2008??? that is just crazy to me :) I need to get myself rested and organized my the time school starts....and I could probably do some reading so I am able to hit the ground running!!!!! I need to relearn some math as well as study fluids and electrolytes before we dive in again.....its time for acid base balance. I have been trying to understand acid base balance for two years and i still don't get it!!! FUCK any tips will be appreciated

much love
Amanda

And suddenly.....

every thing is different. What once was, is no more....

Last night I celebrated my birthday [its actually today]; I had a great time with my friends, but something was different. I tried to see if the two sides of my life could coexist? Friends from high school, and friends from Nursing school. It did not work the way I had planned. I envisioned everyone meeting and falling in love with each other, this was not the case. there were no problems, but it was awkward. I felt as though it was somehow my fault that not everyone was having a killer good time....odd

It weird for me to see people not talking. I am the person that will walk up to you and start chatting because you look lonely and out of place at the party, or the girl you meet and by the end of the day you know her life story.....that's me....I am able to talk to just about anyone, about anything. when I am thrown into a big group of unknowns I will stand back and watch for about an hour....I will observe the pecking order of the group, the humor style, the topics of conversation, and when comfortable join in and enjoy myself. unless I am tired, as I am today....

I can barely keep my eyes open and I am getting ready to drive home for Christmas. Its a two hour drive, and its raining...I'm going to need some coffee and music for this trip.

Frustrated

Why can't people get over their big bad selves, and except that everyone is different, but the same....

It does not matter what color my skin it, or what color your eyes are, we all have the same inside parts....heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, lymph's, hormones, fluids, electrolytes....you know what I'm talking about????

I'm just tired of people being stupid ignorant ass wholes.....

Is it that way?!?!?!?

What direction are you going?

So many directions I can be in this moment....

I never know what will be the best....

I suppose I will follow the signs as I see them.....

Feeling Better

wow....what an amazing day. I had my test review, turned in a very small paper....and then napped....it was truly an amazing nap too. I felt refreshed and rejuvinated. I showered and made myself look amazing to go to the Lucky Lab with my twin, Kellen....

OK so he is not actually my twin...he is two weeks older then me, a foot taller, and skinny :) everything I am not....but I am prettier ;) He is really the male version of myself...except he's a Republican, and I am not.

I had some nasty beer, then some yummy beer. I love beer so for me to say nasty means it was really really bad. We spent the evening with his GF and her friends....they are younger so it was odd because i am used to older people, but it was fun....and I think I may have scored a job for the winter break :) its all about networking.....

So i got home around 11, and have spent the last two hours chilling and thinking about life....good things mostly. I took an amazing bath....Jasmine and Lavender bubbles....the kitty laid on the bath mat and hung out with me.....Daniel and I talked for an hour....I was filled in on the happening of his life, and him on mine....its great to catch up with people you love.

So the next three days are dedicated to studying....some one wish me luck...I must pass this test to move on to the seventh term of nursing school

much love
A

Tears of Confusion

I am confused, and I have nothing to say about it....I want to soak in the tub and cry. But I don't have time for that right now. I have a midterm on the fourth and the final on the eleventh. I am terrified that I am going to fail. failure is not an option. I am going to watch Beauty and the Beast, read some med/surg, and sleep.......someone tell my why I am so fucking confused....and how do i get past it?!?!?!?!

Burning out

I am having a hard time focusing on school. I really need to dedicate myself to studying for the next 4 days, but my mind continues to wonder. I am thinking about everything but ADPIE, Maslow, Erickson, ABC, CMS, and anal winks.....

So last night I slept at N's house, she is truly one of the few people i consider a "best friend." She knows more about me then any other person on the planet.

I slept on the sofa because my bed was taken up by another house guest....he is old so he gets dibs (OK so he's not old, but its funny). I was woken up at 5am by N's husband and the other house guest, T & S. they were finding music for their car trip to the ducks game...I wake with a start and the first words out of my mouth are, "what the fuck?" I should add that the image in my head was of MY TV, and two men in MY living room, I really had no clue where i was or why their were two men in my home......I see T smile and start to process that I do in fact know and trust him, S says,"do you know where you are sweety?" my next breath is a deep sigh of relief...Its funny now, but in that split second I experienced true terror.

Its time for sleep, and REM, I need to be well rested for study group tomorrow....please, someone wish me luck on this next test!!!!