The mini-freak-out

Deb-
I need some advice, about a boy. why do I let myself get so flipped out over a guy. I have no idea if he likes me, I mean I know he is a friend, but maybe I want more...well not maybe, I do want more. but that's silly because I could ruin a great friendship...I mean what the hell is wrong with me. Does that make and since at all? no. This is what I do, I flip out and amber talks me off the ledge, then she flips out and I talk her off the ledge. you never flipped out, deb, you have always been stable. How do I become stable? Just when I have finally come to terms with single, enjoying single, and even looking forward to the fun of being single I get a caught up in a crush. it's so dumb. Do I jinx things by talking about it so much, by over analyzing to the point of driving myself mad?

the real problem here is my total lack of confidence and self esteem when it comes to guys. I mean I just think of every little flaw I have...I remember every negative thing anyone has ever said to me, and forget the positive...its so silly how i get lost. I loose my confident bubbly self.

the percocets make me a little loopy...why percocets...oh because I have severe pain in my cervix. all tests are negative (no creepy crawlies) and yet I am shedding white blood cells for no apparent reason. the NP said, 'there is no obvious cancer, but you need to see a specialist' So it took the specialist a week to call me to make an appointment for a month away...what am I supposed to do with that information...here's another perocet. uuugggg

Joi had surgery yesterday. 29 and she had a double mastectomy. In a month or so I will have a shaved head to support her! she is such a wonderful girl....how did this happen? I don't understand how cancer happens. don't get me wrong, I know the physiology of cancer, but why? why my grandma, a co-worker and friend, why the women I cared for over and over until she died? why.

One of my quads died last week. I call him one of mine because he was a patient several times over the last year. One of several quads I see on a regular basis. He was young, had children, and hated his life...but it's still sad to me that he died. of aspiration pneumonia. preventable and treatable. damn.