Picky Pants....

I have discovered that I am entirely to picky. and that I focus on all the wrong things. I am on this quest to find the perfect person to date, and it has had its ups and downs. The downs have been pretty bad, and the ups have been rather anti-climatic. I have met two really interesting men in the last week or so. I will admit that I met one online, and the other in a hip little pub on Mcadams. The problem? one is not perfect and the other is not age appropriate. So this leads me to two questions?
A) what is age appropriate for a 23 y/o with the world at her feet?
So how old is too old? is it OK for me to date someone who is 15 years more experienced in life then I am? Does it really matter so long as i laugh while with this person? All I know is that I cant stop thinking about this old guy....
But then I ask my self is laughter enough? and this leads us to question B and the other guy I met.....I laughed until I cried. I drank so much the world was blurry.
B) what is perfection for me???
How do I define perfection? I know I will never find absolute perfection....but there has to be something close to the perfect date for me.

And what about him was not perfect? he was smart, funny, attractive, etc....but there was just a little something missing. I suppose I will see him again, just to be sure....

and while on this....why am I looking for perfection at this point? really I just want to date, laugh, be happy, and meet good people. So why am I trying to define anything, when the last thing I want is a definition of what’s what with who. I am a free entity and would like to stay that way....I just want a part time boyfriend...not a husband, not perfection....just fancy free fun...someone to enjoy a few meals with, someone to dance with on Saturday nights, someone to watch a movie with and maybe wake up with a couple of morning a week. but that someone has to leave and let me be. they have to accept my need for my own space and time with my girls. someone who is not going to cry when I decide its time to move on. someone who understand that at first, this won't be exclusive. It takes time to be sure that one person is just the right one to give up the ability to dance with someone else....I am a bit leery about making any commitments right now....the best I can do at this point is the commitment to have fun....that’s what I have to offer....fun. laughter. energy. spontaneity. winks. and warm hugs.

Fuck

I am tired.....

and I can't fall asleep at night EVER. I can fall asleep during class no problem, or while I am walking down the street. but never when I am snuggled in my warm comfy bed.

I rocked the test yesterday......92% one of my better scores in nursing schools!!! I drank way too much and got my ass kicked by a drag queen down town......what a great day :)

lol

time to force myself to sleep......

much love
A

Goals....

Previously I blogged about my goal of feeling healthier, and better about myself. Like most girls I have issues with my weight, and my self-esteem is not what it once was. I don't' want to sound conceited, because Im not, but I know Im not an ugly girl....but right now I feel like a fat girl, and that is really killing me. I have never been "skinny" nor do I want to be...but I would like to be closer to my ideal weight. (I am about 45 more then I should be). I know I can't just bitch about it, I need to be proactive. I need to be acountable and have some motivation to get my ass in shape :) lol. So here is the plan....

Motivation: The ladies in the nursing program with me are starting a weight loss challenge. $5 each, person who loses the biggest percentage wins the pot!!!! (25 or so already entered)

Identify: I have to Identify the reasons I have gained weight before I can reverse it
1) sendentary life style (school/studying all the time)
2) unhealthy snacking while studying
3)depression eating
4) poor meal choices during the day
5) poor choices while away from home.....

How: How do I change all of this?????? So I know I have to work out at least 4-5 times per week to see a real difference. I must burn more calories then I put in. But I have to eat enough to stay out of starvation mode.

I am working on the depression....snacking because I am sad has stopped since the wellbutrin starting working, so now I have to focus on making healthy snack choices while studying....
Good study snacks: fruits, veggies, whole wheat crackers, rice cakes, granola bars, yogurt, etc.
Food on the go? I have a guide that tells me what reasturants have good choices, and what foods to avoid....I put it my purse today, now I have to actually look at it and make better choices!!!!
Food at home: time is always an issue and I don't have much time to cook so I usually make mac and cheese or some pre-prepared nastiness thats fills the void....BUT I know that salad is easy and with the right stuff on it, very filling and healthy!!!! Progressive makes really yummy low cal/low Na soups, turkey sandwich with avo is my all time favorite and super easy to make, and if all else fails I love eating cereal for dinner :)
Beaverages.....gots to stop with the dark beers and caramel macchiatos, switch to low fat latte with a splenda (already made this switch, I like it)....and Its time to stop drinking so much beer. When I go out I can choose a low cal adult beverage....vodka is carb free...I will do some research :)

The plan???? change my eating habits and put the gym in my planner. If I write it down and always have gym clothes with me I will actually go. I know I will, becasue I used to work out three times a week without fail!!!!!! I can do this, I know I can!!!!

Tomorrow I have clinical from 2-10. It will take about an hour to get there from my gym.....hit the gym before 11 and I know I will have time to get cleaned up and be ontime to the foster home. (where I am working with some amazing medically fragile children check out my myspace blog www.myspace.com/amanda_kayeleen.) tuesday I am there 12-8 So I will go straight to the gym from there and watch bones while I am on the eliptical. Wednesday study group from 1030-till we get done so if we finish by 8 I will be able to make it to the gym! Thursday is a no go because we have the first mid-term.) Friday I will go to the gym at 4 when school is all finished up!

The gym back is packed and ready to go in the am!!!!! OK, here's to being motivated and making a positive change in my life :)

Now I have to go study for my GIANT test on thursday....i am so totally freaking out.
luckily I have stopped crying!!!!

much love,
Amanda