Is setting in. My stomach hurts and my heart is pounding. My breath is caught in my throat. Tears are pressed against my eyes.
Take a deep breath. Clear you mind. Listen to the music, let it wash over you.
I can do this. Three test left until I am finished with Nursing School. Then NCLEX. I am doing this, this is real. Look at how bright the light is....now don't fail this test.
No pressure.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Everytime my phone rings I think it might be him....but its usually someone else. damn
I need to go for a run!
And I need a hug
Much love
A
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
an update on school...
School is hell. Ok, its not that bad. It is so hard to focus on studying when the internship and other projects are eating up so much of my time. I have Summary 1 next Thursday and i have not studied at all. I am headed down the studying path, I am organized and ready to go...but I can't bring myself to actually study. damn, I cant' fail out of Nursing school in the last term!!!
Preceptorship is going really well. I am at KSMC Oncology (on the east side of town). I am working with a great nurse, who is intelligent and skilled at what she does. On Tuesday I completed my fourth 12.5 hour shift. My feet are getting used to it, but my brain is still a bit foggy towards the end of the day. I took on the care of two patients, and managed to have everything done, and I was somewhat organized. I really need to devise a more appropriate "brain." "brain" is what we call the piece of paper we carry around with all the patient info on it. this is how we keep track of who needs what, when. You would be shocked at how difficult it is to manage 6 patients meds, procedures, and treatments during a 12 hour shift. The good news for Oncology nurses is that we only take 3 or 4 patients...but the bad news is that the care is much more acute. When a patient is receiving chemotherapy their status could change at any moment. So far, everyone I have worked with has stayed "healthy" I have a mini project to do today in preparation for tomorrow. I have to teach the other nurses about the use of IVIG in patients with Thrombocytopenia....and I really don't understand why the get immunoglobulin for low blood counts....guess I will be looking it up today :)
As far as projects go...I turned in the first draft of my final paper, that was a huge weight off my shoulders. Now I have to work on the community paper, the management project, a large teaching project, and of course I have to study for the exams. OH, and i have to be prepared for NCLEX at the end of June
NCLEX is the big test that all Nurses have to pass in order to receive a license. You spend anywhere from 45min-6 hours in front of a computer. During that time the computer will decided if you are smart enough to be a nurse, or too dumb to be a nurse, and will shut off accordingly. if you answer all correctly for 45min, you pass. if you answer all wrong for 45 min, you fail....either way, the computer shuts off and you have no idea if you passed or failed. But if you are answering some right and some wrong it will keep going until it can tell how much knowledge you do or do not have. FUCK, I am nervous about that test.
I am organizing a review session for my classmates with an instructor at a different school. I really pissed off the faculty here at PCC. Not my intention, just trying to do something good for myself and my classmates. It will be a two day class, costing only $125 each. in terms of review classes that is dirt cheap. The class that PCC is offering in 5 days and costs $450, and has a required text that costs $100+. So I am going to push forwards and advocate for my broke ass that those of my fellow classmates!!!!
Ok, I have to stop blogging and start studying.
much love
Amanda
Preceptorship is going really well. I am at KSMC Oncology (on the east side of town). I am working with a great nurse, who is intelligent and skilled at what she does. On Tuesday I completed my fourth 12.5 hour shift. My feet are getting used to it, but my brain is still a bit foggy towards the end of the day. I took on the care of two patients, and managed to have everything done, and I was somewhat organized. I really need to devise a more appropriate "brain." "brain" is what we call the piece of paper we carry around with all the patient info on it. this is how we keep track of who needs what, when. You would be shocked at how difficult it is to manage 6 patients meds, procedures, and treatments during a 12 hour shift. The good news for Oncology nurses is that we only take 3 or 4 patients...but the bad news is that the care is much more acute. When a patient is receiving chemotherapy their status could change at any moment. So far, everyone I have worked with has stayed "healthy" I have a mini project to do today in preparation for tomorrow. I have to teach the other nurses about the use of IVIG in patients with Thrombocytopenia....and I really don't understand why the get immunoglobulin for low blood counts....guess I will be looking it up today :)
As far as projects go...I turned in the first draft of my final paper, that was a huge weight off my shoulders. Now I have to work on the community paper, the management project, a large teaching project, and of course I have to study for the exams. OH, and i have to be prepared for NCLEX at the end of June
NCLEX is the big test that all Nurses have to pass in order to receive a license. You spend anywhere from 45min-6 hours in front of a computer. During that time the computer will decided if you are smart enough to be a nurse, or too dumb to be a nurse, and will shut off accordingly. if you answer all correctly for 45min, you pass. if you answer all wrong for 45 min, you fail....either way, the computer shuts off and you have no idea if you passed or failed. But if you are answering some right and some wrong it will keep going until it can tell how much knowledge you do or do not have. FUCK, I am nervous about that test.
I am organizing a review session for my classmates with an instructor at a different school. I really pissed off the faculty here at PCC. Not my intention, just trying to do something good for myself and my classmates. It will be a two day class, costing only $125 each. in terms of review classes that is dirt cheap. The class that PCC is offering in 5 days and costs $450, and has a required text that costs $100+. So I am going to push forwards and advocate for my broke ass that those of my fellow classmates!!!!
Ok, I have to stop blogging and start studying.
much love
Amanda
This feeling....
I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being happier for them. I feel guilty because I am jealous. I am pretending that these are tears of happiness, but I am sad. I am sad that they are moving forward with their families, and I am sitting in the library alone, and will return to an empty apartment.
I feel guilty because I am being selfish in wanting baby N. baby N is just over a year old and is the process of becoming a ward of the state of Oregon. I have been working with him since he came to the foster home with a skull fracture and a spiral fracture of his femur. He is a happy loving child now, and in need of a loving family. I want to be that family for him. badly. He will be "up for adoption" in about 6months. In 6 months I will be settled into a full time job as an RN. I will be making upwards of 50k a year. In 6 months I will still be in love with baby N, but he won't be with me. He will be with some other, more deserving family. One with a mother and a father, with two incomes, a two car garage, and a dog. I hate that I am going to have to say goodbye to him. i hate that I am saying goodbye to baby N, and so many people in my life are bringing babies into their lives.
I am not one to make a rash decision. I am not ready to conceive a child, that I will need a husband for. This little boy who needs a family now. Yes I am only 23, and yes my life would change dramatically, but it would all be worth it.
I had this conversation with my mom last night. she tore the dream right out of my heart. she told me it would be selfish for me to adopt him. Reminded me that it takes two to raise a child. Told me all about a couple she knows who are desperate to have child, yet cannot conceive. I learned all about their jobs, their perfect home, their amazing dog. I even learned that they were interested when my mom told them about baby N.... Mom went onto remind me that I would be a single mother, and that would make my chances of finding a husband more difficult. This is not about finding a husband I thought to myself. I am not even looking for a husband. this is about a baby who was taken away from abusive parents and needs to be loved for the rest of his life.
So yes, I am being selfish. I am sorry I can't look at pictures of your baby and be happier for you. I have so much love to give, nobody can see that I could do this. I know its crazy. possibly the craziest thing I have ever wanted. I think about baby N everyday, and how amazing it would be to have him call me mommy, to chase him around a playground in the spring, and teach him to swim in the summer. To read him a bedtime story each night. to watch him grow and learn, become stronger and healthier, to giggle with him and cry with him.
I am not going to be adopting any children for years to come. A girl can dream. A girl can wish. A girl can be happy for her friends and jealous all at the same time. A girl can cry over a baby she will never have.
-A
I feel guilty because I am being selfish in wanting baby N. baby N is just over a year old and is the process of becoming a ward of the state of Oregon. I have been working with him since he came to the foster home with a skull fracture and a spiral fracture of his femur. He is a happy loving child now, and in need of a loving family. I want to be that family for him. badly. He will be "up for adoption" in about 6months. In 6 months I will be settled into a full time job as an RN. I will be making upwards of 50k a year. In 6 months I will still be in love with baby N, but he won't be with me. He will be with some other, more deserving family. One with a mother and a father, with two incomes, a two car garage, and a dog. I hate that I am going to have to say goodbye to him. i hate that I am saying goodbye to baby N, and so many people in my life are bringing babies into their lives.
I am not one to make a rash decision. I am not ready to conceive a child, that I will need a husband for. This little boy who needs a family now. Yes I am only 23, and yes my life would change dramatically, but it would all be worth it.
I had this conversation with my mom last night. she tore the dream right out of my heart. she told me it would be selfish for me to adopt him. Reminded me that it takes two to raise a child. Told me all about a couple she knows who are desperate to have child, yet cannot conceive. I learned all about their jobs, their perfect home, their amazing dog. I even learned that they were interested when my mom told them about baby N.... Mom went onto remind me that I would be a single mother, and that would make my chances of finding a husband more difficult. This is not about finding a husband I thought to myself. I am not even looking for a husband. this is about a baby who was taken away from abusive parents and needs to be loved for the rest of his life.
So yes, I am being selfish. I am sorry I can't look at pictures of your baby and be happier for you. I have so much love to give, nobody can see that I could do this. I know its crazy. possibly the craziest thing I have ever wanted. I think about baby N everyday, and how amazing it would be to have him call me mommy, to chase him around a playground in the spring, and teach him to swim in the summer. To read him a bedtime story each night. to watch him grow and learn, become stronger and healthier, to giggle with him and cry with him.
I am not going to be adopting any children for years to come. A girl can dream. A girl can wish. A girl can be happy for her friends and jealous all at the same time. A girl can cry over a baby she will never have.
-A
Saturday, April 19, 2008
while Im being honest...
I have a need.
I need to feel skin.
fingers in my hair.
lips on mine.
I need some heat.
some passion
something different.
new.
Im feeling dirty.
one person is all its going to take.
one look
one moment.
its burning a hole in the pit of my stomach
I have no idea what to do with this feeling.
how am I going to release it?
running
cold shower
reading something sad
talked to my mom
nothing is erasing this need. someone throw me in the lake.....
before I jump.......
I need to feel skin.
fingers in my hair.
lips on mine.
I need some heat.
some passion
something different.
new.
Im feeling dirty.
one person is all its going to take.
one look
one moment.
its burning a hole in the pit of my stomach
I have no idea what to do with this feeling.
how am I going to release it?
running
cold shower
reading something sad
talked to my mom
nothing is erasing this need. someone throw me in the lake.....
before I jump.......
like a porn star
When was the last time you fake and baked? I do it every spring to get a nice base tan for the summer...I burn so badly without the base tan that I can barely move for half the summer. So I
went to the gym yesterday and got in this amazing workout. When i finished the workout I ran downstairs and to the tanning area...stand up beds only. have you ever used a stand up bed? you stand (naked of course) with arms out holding onto poles to keep you in the same position for "even coverage." So i am standing there naked with my arms out, thinking to myself....this is the closest I will ever be to a porn star, and nobody can see me. lol, it was a moment to be shared.
OK, so the workout was seriously amazing. I feel great right now, and I'm getting ready to go back in about an hour. my only issue is that my left foot becomes very painful about halfway through my 45 min of cardio. I have been using this kick ass cross trainer machine that works my entire body...I have no idea why it only hurt the arch of my left foot. ibuprofen before I go today!!!!
onto men, my fav subject. I am having an issue with my standards about teeth. I don't know what my deal is, but teeth are really important to me. maybe its my biological need to reproduce perfect children....
and the second issue for now, intelligence. I need to be with someone at least as intelligent as me. I know I am not a freakin genius, I am not great at spelling, and math is not my thing. But I AM smart. I graduate from nursing school in 1.5months...i gotta have something going on up there. lol. so if a dude can't spell phone, does it make me a bitch because I don't want to email him back???? I don't' know. but come on "fone" really? I would have no clue what that was if not for the fact it was followed closely my a Phone number....
Ok, I have homework to finish then I am off to the gym. I love the burn...
it hurts so good. lol
much love,
Amanda
went to the gym yesterday and got in this amazing workout. When i finished the workout I ran downstairs and to the tanning area...stand up beds only. have you ever used a stand up bed? you stand (naked of course) with arms out holding onto poles to keep you in the same position for "even coverage." So i am standing there naked with my arms out, thinking to myself....this is the closest I will ever be to a porn star, and nobody can see me. lol, it was a moment to be shared.
OK, so the workout was seriously amazing. I feel great right now, and I'm getting ready to go back in about an hour. my only issue is that my left foot becomes very painful about halfway through my 45 min of cardio. I have been using this kick ass cross trainer machine that works my entire body...I have no idea why it only hurt the arch of my left foot. ibuprofen before I go today!!!!
onto men, my fav subject. I am having an issue with my standards about teeth. I don't know what my deal is, but teeth are really important to me. maybe its my biological need to reproduce perfect children....
and the second issue for now, intelligence. I need to be with someone at least as intelligent as me. I know I am not a freakin genius, I am not great at spelling, and math is not my thing. But I AM smart. I graduate from nursing school in 1.5months...i gotta have something going on up there. lol. so if a dude can't spell phone, does it make me a bitch because I don't want to email him back???? I don't' know. but come on "fone" really? I would have no clue what that was if not for the fact it was followed closely my a Phone number....
Ok, I have homework to finish then I am off to the gym. I love the burn...
it hurts so good. lol
much love,
Amanda
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