Seeking Homeostasis

BitterSweet....

2010-04-23T03:28:00.000-07:00

It's my last night on the medical floor of St. Charles-Bend...I am so excited for my new adventure, but so sad to be leaving the men and women who I have learned from, and learned to love, over the last year and a half. These people have helped me to become a great nurse, and they have become my friends...my family....I'm trying not to cry as I get ready to go home a few hours early....

The next few days will be busy...loading the u-haul tomorrow, the BIG party tomorrow night, and then my parents will be here saturday to 'move me home.' eeeck

uuuggg

2010-04-17T20:46:00.001-07:00

I fucking hate packing. just sayin'

work...

2010-04-16T05:33:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging at work, totally not ok...but hey I have one week left. nothing to report, I'm bored and sleepy. I am so tired of being tired. Working nights is really taking a tole on me...I am by nature a night owl, but it's impossible to live 100% at night. I end up switching between nights and days so frequently that my body never has a chance to catch up. My new job will be nights also, 8s instead of 12s...I think this will be helpful. 11pm-730am. I can go home and sleep, then spend the evening with my family, have a good relaxed dinner then head off to work...I feel like I'm getting a little bit of my life back!

I am going to be playing co-ed softball this spring, games start in the middle of May! I am so excited I can hardly stand it!! it will be great to be a part of a team again...and great to be active with peers! I have not played a sport in years! I work out with a personal trainer a few times a week...but sports are so different then just hitting the gym....I am so jazzed to hit and throw and catch a softball...I loved softball! wahooo

ok, back to work...ick....

7 days....

2010-04-15T01:34:00.000-07:00

I have 7 shifts left at the job that has shaped who I am as a nurse. In 11 days I will be moving to Philomath, back in with my parents. How do I feel about all of this? It's this bizzare mixture of excitment, sadness, dread, and happiness! I am so happy to be moving on, so happy to be working at a different hospital...I'm excited to spend more time with my family and my beautiful niece.

I am dreading living with my parents again...I'm so happy for the opportunity they are giving me to pay of some debt, to have a place to live and food to eat...but I'm totally flipped out to be 25 and living with my parents, this does not look good. I want to be dating, starting a relationship with a man and here I am moving in with my parents...there is nothing appealing about a woman who lives in her mom and dad's attic....ugggg.

I am so sad to be leaving my amazing co-workers! they are my friends, and my 'bend' family! I love them all SO much! I learn from them each and every day! They teach me to keep smiling, they teach me to love myself, and they teach me how to me a better nurse!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for me, a bright shiny light pulling me closer each day. A new chapter of my life is starting in just a few days, I can hardly believe it....

A new chapter....

2010-04-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

Here I am changing gears again, packig boxes and getting ready for a fresh start. This time I'm going home. Home to be wit my family, to work at the hospital I was born in, to recconect with the people who mean the most to me, to watch me niece grow up, and to show that little town that I figured it out. I figured out how to be happy with just me. I have struggled to "find myself" and realized that we never really know who we are, because we change with each breath we take.

So here we go, I am firmly on the path, and this path is in my highest good. I love me. and that is wonderful.

?

2010-03-01T11:32:00.000-08:00

Deb I miss you more and more...the pain is fading, and I am left with only a small whole where you should be in my life....that place won't ever be filled. I laugh everyday, I still cry but it is followed by laughter. I am growning up, and becoming this strong independant woman, you would be proud of me. You would be so proud of Ben...he has direction, he called me and was respectful, he was the ben from that summer...I hope he stays this time....

I wish I could call you for advice about a real issue, not a freakin boy. I have to opportunity to move back in with my parents for 1-2 years. normally i would say "oh, hell no" but this makes since. We have figured it out and if I live here for 2 years I can be totally out of debt from my loans, or I could be almost out of debt and have a healthy savings account again....Then I could buy a house when I'm 28. Me, in a house, at 28...amazing. I need to talk it out, to think about all the negative and postive that come with moving in with your parents at 25. All i can see in this moment are the financial positives...not the negatives.....

My job is becoming more and more of a personal and emotional struggle...I know I need to go back to therapy to sort through it all, to learn how to leave it in the rooms and the beds. I need to compartmentalize. My live, My work life, to seperate but joined part of who I am. I used to define myself as a nurse, but now I don't know how to define myself....I am a girl who happens to spend 36hrs a week nursing, but aside from a nurse who am I?

How do you answer that questions: who am I? is there an answer? well, I am me...Can I define myself by my job or my hobbies? Is it my morals and ethical values that define me? Is it being single, owning a cat, living wiht a roomate not a partner, is it loving my family, or caring for strangers that define me as an individual? I don't think there is one solid answer for the question....When we are searching for ourselves are we even looking in the right places? Do you have to travel the world to find yourself, when looking inside is all it really takes? hhhmmmm

oh, and I burned my ear with my flat iron and am now missing a small chunk of ear lobe...freakin nasty!

2009-11-18T01:53:00.000-08:00

Today I helped someone i love. My friend is a 29 year old mother of two who just had a double mastectomy; today I helped her shower. i changed her dressings, i did her hair, and dried her off....I helped.

from this day forward my goal is to be able to fill in the blank: today I helped________. three days a week I am a nurse, the rest of my time should be at least a bit productive. it's time to start giving back again.

Today I was rejected. rejected by a boy i like a lot...It stings, and it's embarassing. nobody likes being rejected, but I was rejected by a friend. ouch.

it's time for sleep. cancer sucks, so do boys. that's what I learned today. and yes, I just compared boys to cancer.

The mini-freak-out

2009-11-12T01:01:00.000-08:00

Deb-
I need some advice, about a boy. why do I let myself get so flipped out over a guy. I have no idea if he likes me, I mean I know he is a friend, but maybe I want more...well not maybe, I do want more. but that's silly because I could ruin a great friendship...I mean what the hell is wrong with me. Does that make and since at all? no. This is what I do, I flip out and amber talks me off the ledge, then she flips out and I talk her off the ledge. you never flipped out, deb, you have always been stable. How do I become stable? Just when I have finally come to terms with single, enjoying single, and even looking forward to the fun of being single I get a caught up in a crush. it's so dumb. Do I jinx things by talking about it so much, by over analyzing to the point of driving myself mad?

the real problem here is my total lack of confidence and self esteem when it comes to guys. I mean I just think of every little flaw I have...I remember every negative thing anyone has ever said to me, and forget the positive...its so silly how i get lost. I loose my confident bubbly self.

the percocets make me a little loopy...why percocets...oh because I have severe pain in my cervix. all tests are negative (no creepy crawlies) and yet I am shedding white blood cells for no apparent reason. the NP said, 'there is no obvious cancer, but you need to see a specialist' So it took the specialist a week to call me to make an appointment for a month away...what am I supposed to do with that information...here's another perocet. uuugggg

Joi had surgery yesterday. 29 and she had a double mastectomy. In a month or so I will have a shaved head to support her! she is such a wonderful girl....how did this happen? I don't understand how cancer happens. don't get me wrong, I know the physiology of cancer, but why? why my grandma, a co-worker and friend, why the women I cared for over and over until she died? why.

One of my quads died last week. I call him one of mine because he was a patient several times over the last year. One of several quads I see on a regular basis. He was young, had children, and hated his life...but it's still sad to me that he died. of aspiration pneumonia. preventable and treatable. damn.

2009-11-08T21:32:00.000-08:00

Deb-
I miss you. Tomorrow is your birthday, it breaks my heart that I don't get to say happy birthday. I'm broken in half by missing you. How do I say goodbye when you're already gone? to hug your memory, and to kiss your spirit with my love long after you have gone....I miss you so much.

I have so much to share with you, I need your advice, I need you to remind me to slow down and take my time. don't rush....they will hold your table....

_ _ _ _ _ -_ -_____ _---_ _ _ _ ______________---__- _ _ _ _ _ -----------____ _ _ --

My sister is back. I get to hear her voice again, she sounds like she is healing...a little at a time. I love hearing about the kids, I miss them so much. Welcome back sister,I missed you.

The appropriate kind of crush

2008-11-15T20:14:00.000-08:00

So there is this guy. He is the kind of guy I can see myself being with, and unlike so many guys I have dated this year, he is actually appropriate for me. He is 7years older, He makes me laugh, and makes me blush, he makes me want to iron....suddenly I want to be just a little domestic. For some reason he makes me feel like being an adult....like in the good way...not just the paying bills on time way. Like I want to get up and watch the news and drink coffee, I want to make dinner and then do the dishes, I want to play card games and do crosswords together....

The Guy: This guy I met about 9 months ago during my dating spree in Portland. He is smart, and funny, and cute, and warm, he makes me feel warm and comfortable and excited....

The problem: about two months ago I told him I just wanted to be friends, then had the most perfect date night ever with him while I was in Portland last week...no I want to change my mind...I am totally open to more then friendship with him, but I don't know how to tell him!!!

The other problem: I live in Bend now, and he is in Portland...not that big of a deal

Being a girl: Here is the biggest issue for me....I don't know how to like someone who is good for me. I am so used to being the girl that can detach from someone, I generally like people who I can't make a real connection with, someone I have a little fun with and sometimes good sex, but I can walk away from and not be hurt. But not this time....this time I can't detach. And like an idiot I have been pushing him away for the last few months, I'm and idiot!!! shit.

So now I am have to tell him that I changed my mind, without sounding like a psycho, and still avoiding the stupid games. I need to just call when I want to call, and say what I feel like saying...but I need to chill the fuck out.

seriously. I have issues. We talked a few times last week, and everything seems to be good, casual, but good. and now for no reason I am starting to over analyze the entire situation. Does he like me, does he just want to be my friend now? what will he say when I tell him I am open to more then just friendship, will he reject me? I think that is the underlying issue here, my fear of rejection...I do just fine when I am the one rejecting everyone, but god I hate being rejected!!!

and I really hate this stage of having a crush. like I really really hate it....but I love the feeling! I love the butterflies.....

damn it! :)

Hugs
A

am I broken or just mildly fucked up???

2008-10-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

I think just a little fucked up, maybe stuck in the past. back when things were easy and the sex was always good....because you did not know otherwise.

One year ago I broke up (for the third time) with my first love(it all started when I was 14). He beat me with his negative attitude towards the world, he broke my spirit and killed my self esteem, but damn the sex was good, so I went back for some more.

and here I sit.....thinking about the second love of my life, the man (well, man-boy) I was engaged two.....almost 4 years ago our wedding date went by (yes I was 20, yes that would have sucked). I am letting myself forget the bad, the bad and the ugly. like how he cheated on me. like how he called me a nagging bitch, how it was ok for him to make out with my brother's girlfriend and break not only my heart, but the heart of my unbreakable brother. It's kind of a funny story.....

I was 19, Pat (the bro) was 17 (god we were young). M(the fiance) decided that pat's girl (K) was a good girl to go for. so he makes out with her, and pat walks in...he turns around walks away. So M tells me, and calm rational amanda loses it and nearly breaks her fist on the door of 98 red chevy silverado. ooops. sorry, don't fuck with my family.....

(ok the clouds are clearing and the ex is not looking so fantastic anymore.....)

i remember the first time we had sex like it was yesterday. It was a snow day (yes I was young, get over it). We had at least 10 candles burning in my bedroom. I remember how nervous he was, I can almost remember the way he smelled.....a little sweaty, a littly spicy, a little like winter......
.....we planned a winter wedding. it was red and black. My dress was amazing......I was running everyday and on a strict no carb diet so the dress would be perfect.....I was in college and he was my farmer. I had an amazing little diamond ring that sparkled in the sun.....god it great, it was all my own and he had worked so hard to buy it for me......
.......The day I gave it back to him was so painful, yet it gave me freedom again. He asked me to keep it because I might change my mind. He still loved me and was sorry for everything (and yet still dating my brothers girlfriend) I remember so clearly standing on my moms porch handing it to him in the original box, and telling him I had to give it back, his mom had called and yelled at me.....
............I remember the night he gave me that ring.......
and the good feelings all rush back. It was amazing and perfect and I loved him so fucking much
loved, past tence, thats good news that I stuck the ed on the end of love.....

So whats my issue. Do I need to re-date every guy I ever dated so I will stop going over this in my head. do I really need to let them break me down all over again the way they did the first time.

NO. I need to stop this. I need to remember the good, but also remember the lesson I learned.

Well....what was the lesson???? fuck, I don't know. all I know is that now I can't stop thinking about M....It's probably because I saw him at a funeral last summer, and because I had dinner with one of our mutual friends last night....and she has a baby. I wonder if I had gotten married 4 years ago if I would have any babies???? oh wow. I know I would not be here now, I would probably have stuck around philomath and gone to the local CC for nursing school....not a bad school, but not at all what I really wanted to do.

wow if feels good to be totally open with all of this.

I'm just saying the sex was good. because I had no idea it could be better. and life is better.

wow. what a totally lame blog ;) lol

much love
A

a quick update...an incomplete update

2008-09-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

So check this out....
I am still doing good, loosing weight finally...my waist in present again :) lol

My computer is dead...I am mailing it to HP tomorrow. thankfully it's still under warranty!

I am totally pissed that my best friend has moved across the country without a goodbye or see you the fuck later. I can't get ahold of her, and really I just want to make sure she is alive and healthy. I can only imagine how others must feel. whatever. not my problem anymore.

I am itching to do some more comedy...I was good at it, and really want the opportunity to keep going with it.

I am feeling lonely. in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, the loneliness is palpable.

I work nights, its good but it also sucks.

Yup, it's true.

2008-08-05T01:39:00.001-07:00

FUCKIN A'

I love my new job, and I love my new home.

I miss my friends from Portland. (dude, call me)

I miss my family in Philomath.

I am happy

I drink a bit too much wine from time to time

The charge is super hot

I can't wait to start an IV

My apartment is 100 degrees

I can finally sleep in the dark

My ankles are swollen from the altitude change and the lack of water

I hike almost daily now

I am in love with this new life of mine

join me?
A

ugggg

2008-07-21T22:17:00.001-07:00

Christ I am bored already.

I have been in this town for, like two days.....

I miss Portland. I miss my friends. I miss not living out of a box! lol

Ok, I have had a bit of fun.....I floated down the river today.

Now I am sitting on my sofa in my great new apartment watching season two of Grey's Anatomy because I don't have any channels except OPB. freakin OPB. i watched antique roadshow today. SAWEEET DUDE!

ok, peace out.
A

Terror and Love, life is changing...

2008-06-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

So I did it, I have graduated from nursing school. in less then a month I will be working as a Registered Nurse in Bend, Oregon. I have to pack all my earthly possessions and drive them over the pass and put them all back where they belong in a new home, in a new town. Not the first time that I have made a big move, and I doubt it will be the last. I now know that it feels good to move about, but it is hard to leave the people you meet along the way.

Over the past two years I have met the family I will have for the rest of my life. N, J, C, and S. We will all go our separate ways, but forever be in each others lives.

I got a phone call a few weeks ago, N was in the hospital. I was so terrified that I was going to lose my best friend. She is better now, physically. In some ways I had already lost her. We have separated over the last few months, it has been a struggle for me. This was an eye opener for me. Our relationships are precious, no matter the stage of the relationship. Maybe we are not as close as we once were, our lives are going in separate directions, but I love her no less. She is still my best friend, the only person who knows all my secrets. The one who does not judge me, or try to change me.

I have come to realize something else about love and sex. (I know big topic change). I don't know that I am capable of having sex the way that i once did. I remember now what it is to be held in the arms of someone you are in love with. I don't know that I can return from that. The only real problem is that he is gone, and will never know how I feel. That is OK. I will find someone amazing and perfect for me. It will take time, and I have time. I am only 23 years old, the world is at my fingertips!!

A life was lost this last week. An 18 year old girl who had just graduated from high school. She was close to my baby brother. I met her while they were dating back in May. I feel bad now, for asking myself if she was good enough for him. I decided that she was great, just about the time that they broke up. I had seen her a few time after the break up, they were still close friends. She was in a car accident, the rode gave way and her vehicle fell 250 feet down a cliff, and she is gone now. may her soul be in peace, and her parents treasure the love she will continue to give them each day.

I really do miss him, I have not even told N about him....hopefully I will see her before I leave for Bend. I don't know when I will be back in Portland, it could be a few months!!!

Well that is all I have for now. Just wanted to update you all on my fun and exciting life ;)

Life is changing. I am happy. I am loved. Life is good :)

much love
Amanda

First Job Interview

2008-06-06T11:17:00.000-07:00

I was called for my first job interview today...totally excited. Its a Med/Surg position in Bend Oregon. I love central oregon so this could be good. I am nervous about the interview, and scared about the possibility of moving.......

wish me luck
A

New stuff...

2008-06-04T00:49:00.000-07:00

the final is in ONE week and then...I will be able to take NCLEX and become a RN :)

I went to a baseball game with a guy, who I like...I don't know if it was a date and I dont' care because I finally had fun with a dude who was respectful and kind!

I applied for the following jobs:
Portland OR: OSHU bone marrow transplant
II Peds Hematology/Oncology
Corvallis OR: ICU/CCU New grad internship (this one would be amazing)
Alaska: Providence Health...they need nurses bad and will pay moving costs....
and camp nurse :) wahoo

I really want to stay in Portland, but I would move to back to Corvallis for the right job, or to Alaska for the right price/job....you know how it is!

If I end up having to move for work I will put the linfield RN-BSN program off for a few years, or go to another school when I relocate....

I played with my friend Tonya's new baby...I got my fill and realize I am so not ready for one on my own, but can't wait to play with Claire again!!!

I have been working out way more then I was a few months ago....no weight lost, but I feel so much better

I just ate a bunch of chocolate ice cream and that's why I don't' lose weight ;) lol

and now, I have hella cramps so I am going to bed and wishing I had someone to snuggle with!!!!

much love
A

Test anxiety

2008-04-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

Is setting in. My stomach hurts and my heart is pounding. My breath is caught in my throat. Tears are pressed against my eyes.

Take a deep breath. Clear you mind. Listen to the music, let it wash over you.

I can do this. Three test left until I am finished with Nursing School. Then NCLEX. I am doing this, this is real. Look at how bright the light is....now don't fail this test.

No pressure.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Everytime my phone rings I think it might be him....but its usually someone else. damn

I need to go for a run!

And I need a hug

Much love
A

an update on school...

2008-04-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

School is hell. Ok, its not that bad. It is so hard to focus on studying when the internship and other projects are eating up so much of my time. I have Summary 1 next Thursday and i have not studied at all. I am headed down the studying path, I am organized and ready to go...but I can't bring myself to actually study. damn, I cant' fail out of Nursing school in the last term!!!

Preceptorship is going really well. I am at KSMC Oncology (on the east side of town). I am working with a great nurse, who is intelligent and skilled at what she does. On Tuesday I completed my fourth 12.5 hour shift. My feet are getting used to it, but my brain is still a bit foggy towards the end of the day. I took on the care of two patients, and managed to have everything done, and I was somewhat organized. I really need to devise a more appropriate "brain." "brain" is what we call the piece of paper we carry around with all the patient info on it. this is how we keep track of who needs what, when. You would be shocked at how difficult it is to manage 6 patients meds, procedures, and treatments during a 12 hour shift. The good news for Oncology nurses is that we only take 3 or 4 patients...but the bad news is that the care is much more acute. When a patient is receiving chemotherapy their status could change at any moment. So far, everyone I have worked with has stayed "healthy" I have a mini project to do today in preparation for tomorrow. I have to teach the other nurses about the use of IVIG in patients with Thrombocytopenia....and I really don't understand why the get immunoglobulin for low blood counts....guess I will be looking it up today :)

As far as projects go...I turned in the first draft of my final paper, that was a huge weight off my shoulders. Now I have to work on the community paper, the management project, a large teaching project, and of course I have to study for the exams. OH, and i have to be prepared for NCLEX at the end of June

NCLEX is the big test that all Nurses have to pass in order to receive a license. You spend anywhere from 45min-6 hours in front of a computer. During that time the computer will decided if you are smart enough to be a nurse, or too dumb to be a nurse, and will shut off accordingly. if you answer all correctly for 45min, you pass. if you answer all wrong for 45 min, you fail....either way, the computer shuts off and you have no idea if you passed or failed. But if you are answering some right and some wrong it will keep going until it can tell how much knowledge you do or do not have. FUCK, I am nervous about that test.

I am organizing a review session for my classmates with an instructor at a different school. I really pissed off the faculty here at PCC. Not my intention, just trying to do something good for myself and my classmates. It will be a two day class, costing only $125 each. in terms of review classes that is dirt cheap. The class that PCC is offering in 5 days and costs $450, and has a required text that costs $100+. So I am going to push forwards and advocate for my broke ass that those of my fellow classmates!!!!

Ok, I have to stop blogging and start studying.

much love
Amanda

This feeling....

2008-04-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being happier for them. I feel guilty because I am jealous. I am pretending that these are tears of happiness, but I am sad. I am sad that they are moving forward with their families, and I am sitting in the library alone, and will return to an empty apartment.

I feel guilty because I am being selfish in wanting baby N. baby N is just over a year old and is the process of becoming a ward of the state of Oregon. I have been working with him since he came to the foster home with a skull fracture and a spiral fracture of his femur. He is a happy loving child now, and in need of a loving family. I want to be that family for him. badly. He will be "up for adoption" in about 6months. In 6 months I will be settled into a full time job as an RN. I will be making upwards of 50k a year. In 6 months I will still be in love with baby N, but he won't be with me. He will be with some other, more deserving family. One with a mother and a father, with two incomes, a two car garage, and a dog. I hate that I am going to have to say goodbye to him. i hate that I am saying goodbye to baby N, and so many people in my life are bringing babies into their lives.

I am not one to make a rash decision. I am not ready to conceive a child, that I will need a husband for. This little boy who needs a family now. Yes I am only 23, and yes my life would change dramatically, but it would all be worth it.

I had this conversation with my mom last night. she tore the dream right out of my heart. she told me it would be selfish for me to adopt him. Reminded me that it takes two to raise a child. Told me all about a couple she knows who are desperate to have child, yet cannot conceive. I learned all about their jobs, their perfect home, their amazing dog. I even learned that they were interested when my mom told them about baby N.... Mom went onto remind me that I would be a single mother, and that would make my chances of finding a husband more difficult. This is not about finding a husband I thought to myself. I am not even looking for a husband. this is about a baby who was taken away from abusive parents and needs to be loved for the rest of his life.

So yes, I am being selfish. I am sorry I can't look at pictures of your baby and be happier for you. I have so much love to give, nobody can see that I could do this. I know its crazy. possibly the craziest thing I have ever wanted. I think about baby N everyday, and how amazing it would be to have him call me mommy, to chase him around a playground in the spring, and teach him to swim in the summer. To read him a bedtime story each night. to watch him grow and learn, become stronger and healthier, to giggle with him and cry with him.

I am not going to be adopting any children for years to come. A girl can dream. A girl can wish. A girl can be happy for her friends and jealous all at the same time. A girl can cry over a baby she will never have.

-A

while Im being honest...

2008-04-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

I have a need.
I need to feel skin.
fingers in my hair.
lips on mine.

I need some heat.
some passion
something different.
new.

Im feeling dirty.

one person is all its going to take.
one look
one moment.

its burning a hole in the pit of my stomach
I have no idea what to do with this feeling.
how am I going to release it?

running
cold shower
reading something sad
talked to my mom

nothing is erasing this need. someone throw me in the lake.....
before I jump.......

like a porn star

2008-04-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you fake and baked? I do it every spring to get a nice base tan for the summer...I burn so badly without the base tan that I can barely move for half the summer. So I

went to the gym yesterday and got in this amazing workout. When i finished the workout I ran downstairs and to the tanning area...stand up beds only. have you ever used a stand up bed? you stand (naked of course) with arms out holding onto poles to keep you in the same position for "even coverage." So i am standing there naked with my arms out, thinking to myself....this is the closest I will ever be to a porn star, and nobody can see me. lol, it was a moment to be shared.

OK, so the workout was seriously amazing. I feel great right now, and I'm getting ready to go back in about an hour. my only issue is that my left foot becomes very painful about halfway through my 45 min of cardio. I have been using this kick ass cross trainer machine that works my entire body...I have no idea why it only hurt the arch of my left foot. ibuprofen before I go today!!!!

onto men, my fav subject. I am having an issue with my standards about teeth. I don't know what my deal is, but teeth are really important to me. maybe its my biological need to reproduce perfect children....

and the second issue for now, intelligence. I need to be with someone at least as intelligent as me. I know I am not a freakin genius, I am not great at spelling, and math is not my thing. But I AM smart. I graduate from nursing school in 1.5months...i gotta have something going on up there. lol. so if a dude can't spell phone, does it make me a bitch because I don't want to email him back???? I don't' know. but come on "fone" really? I would have no clue what that was if not for the fact it was followed closely my a Phone number....

Ok, I have homework to finish then I am off to the gym. I love the burn...

it hurts so good. lol
much love,
Amanda

Freaking out....

2008-03-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

I am stressed to that max tonight. I have a final tomorrow morning. Finals scare me more then other exams because there is no recovering when you bomb one. This is truly a make or break me situation. I can miss 36 questions...there is no fucking way I am going to miss that many questions, but its still scary know that I could fail out of nursing school tomorrow.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can......

I can do this, I know this material...I fucking rocked both midterms...but I still feel like throwing up on my sneakers....

Then on top of this I am stressed about money...I live alone, therefore all of my bills are my responsibility....1100 a month worth of bills.....all paid by student loans, and now I am waiting for my parents to cosign for my last loan....they won't sign for a few more weeks because they are trying to buy a new house. So meanwhile I am living on less money then I did back in the day when i lived off of one crappy min wage job. If I had stayed with my working habits I would be fine. I used to work three jobs and bring home enough to pay all of my bills and play. now I don't get to play, and my bills aren't going to get paid because I don't have any money....So I am going to try to pick up as many extra shifts over spring break as I possible can. Please let someone get sick so they have to call me in!!!! (and I love my job, so working rocks)

FUCK I HATE MONEY, I can't wait to actually have some again.

Just to make things even MORE exciting I have pneumonia. I am coughing bright yellow gunk out of lungs. I can feel it rattling around in my lungs, gross.

OK, i have to go to bed so I am well rested for the test tomorrow morning. I need a hug....

with love-
A

Picky Pants....

2008-02-16T15:42:00.000-08:00

I have discovered that I am entirely to picky. and that I focus on all the wrong things. I am on this quest to find the perfect person to date, and it has had its ups and downs. The downs have been pretty bad, and the ups have been rather anti-climatic. I have met two really interesting men in the last week or so. I will admit that I met one online, and the other in a hip little pub on Mcadams. The problem? one is not perfect and the other is not age appropriate. So this leads me to two questions?
A) what is age appropriate for a 23 y/o with the world at her feet?
So how old is too old? is it OK for me to date someone who is 15 years more experienced in life then I am? Does it really matter so long as i laugh while with this person? All I know is that I cant stop thinking about this old guy....
But then I ask my self is laughter enough? and this leads us to question B and the other guy I met.....I laughed until I cried. I drank so much the world was blurry.
B) what is perfection for me???
How do I define perfection? I know I will never find absolute perfection....but there has to be something close to the perfect date for me.

And what about him was not perfect? he was smart, funny, attractive, etc....but there was just a little something missing. I suppose I will see him again, just to be sure....

and while on this....why am I looking for perfection at this point? really I just want to date, laugh, be happy, and meet good people. So why am I trying to define anything, when the last thing I want is a definition of what’s what with who. I am a free entity and would like to stay that way....I just want a part time boyfriend...not a husband, not perfection....just fancy free fun...someone to enjoy a few meals with, someone to dance with on Saturday nights, someone to watch a movie with and maybe wake up with a couple of morning a week. but that someone has to leave and let me be. they have to accept my need for my own space and time with my girls. someone who is not going to cry when I decide its time to move on. someone who understand that at first, this won't be exclusive. It takes time to be sure that one person is just the right one to give up the ability to dance with someone else....I am a bit leery about making any commitments right now....the best I can do at this point is the commitment to have fun....that’s what I have to offer....fun. laughter. energy. spontaneity. winks. and warm hugs.

Fuck

2008-02-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

I am tired.....

and I can't fall asleep at night EVER. I can fall asleep during class no problem, or while I am walking down the street. but never when I am snuggled in my warm comfy bed.

I rocked the test yesterday......92% one of my better scores in nursing schools!!! I drank way too much and got my ass kicked by a drag queen down town......what a great day :)

lol

time to force myself to sleep......

much love
A

Goals....

2008-02-03T20:33:00.000-08:00

Previously I blogged about my goal of feeling healthier, and better about myself. Like most girls I have issues with my weight, and my self-esteem is not what it once was. I don't' want to sound conceited, because Im not, but I know Im not an ugly girl....but right now I feel like a fat girl, and that is really killing me. I have never been "skinny" nor do I want to be...but I would like to be closer to my ideal weight. (I am about 45 more then I should be). I know I can't just bitch about it, I need to be proactive. I need to be acountable and have some motivation to get my ass in shape :) lol. So here is the plan....

Motivation: The ladies in the nursing program with me are starting a weight loss challenge. $5 each, person who loses the biggest percentage wins the pot!!!! (25 or so already entered)

Identify: I have to Identify the reasons I have gained weight before I can reverse it
1) sendentary life style (school/studying all the time)
2) unhealthy snacking while studying
3)depression eating
4) poor meal choices during the day
5) poor choices while away from home.....

How: How do I change all of this?????? So I know I have to work out at least 4-5 times per week to see a real difference. I must burn more calories then I put in. But I have to eat enough to stay out of starvation mode.

I am working on the depression....snacking because I am sad has stopped since the wellbutrin starting working, so now I have to focus on making healthy snack choices while studying....
Good study snacks: fruits, veggies, whole wheat crackers, rice cakes, granola bars, yogurt, etc.
Food on the go? I have a guide that tells me what reasturants have good choices, and what foods to avoid....I put it my purse today, now I have to actually look at it and make better choices!!!!
Food at home: time is always an issue and I don't have much time to cook so I usually make mac and cheese or some pre-prepared nastiness thats fills the void....BUT I know that salad is easy and with the right stuff on it, very filling and healthy!!!! Progressive makes really yummy low cal/low Na soups, turkey sandwich with avo is my all time favorite and super easy to make, and if all else fails I love eating cereal for dinner :)
Beaverages.....gots to stop with the dark beers and caramel macchiatos, switch to low fat latte with a splenda (already made this switch, I like it)....and Its time to stop drinking so much beer. When I go out I can choose a low cal adult beverage....vodka is carb free...I will do some research :)

The plan???? change my eating habits and put the gym in my planner. If I write it down and always have gym clothes with me I will actually go. I know I will, becasue I used to work out three times a week without fail!!!!!! I can do this, I know I can!!!!

Tomorrow I have clinical from 2-10. It will take about an hour to get there from my gym.....hit the gym before 11 and I know I will have time to get cleaned up and be ontime to the foster home. (where I am working with some amazing medically fragile children check out my myspace blog www.myspace.com/amanda_kayeleen.) tuesday I am there 12-8 So I will go straight to the gym from there and watch bones while I am on the eliptical. Wednesday study group from 1030-till we get done so if we finish by 8 I will be able to make it to the gym! Thursday is a no go because we have the first mid-term.) Friday I will go to the gym at 4 when school is all finished up!

The gym back is packed and ready to go in the am!!!!! OK, here's to being motivated and making a positive change in my life :)

Now I have to go study for my GIANT test on thursday....i am so totally freaking out.
luckily I have stopped crying!!!!

much love,
Amanda

What makes a grown up???

2008-01-31T15:54:00.000-08:00

What makes a grown up?

Is it someone who supports themself?

Someone who is able to find joy in their own life?

Independance?

Strength?

is it an age?

or a state of mind?

someone who pays all their own bills?

do you have to old to be a grown up?

is it motivation or ambition?

am I not a grown up because I don't partake in some activities?

really, why do you have the right to think I am not a grown up? I am 23, have lived on my own and payed my own bills for 4 years. thats more then what can be said for you when you were 23.

Yes is was childish for me to react that way, but fuck you. don't sit around and joke about me not being a grown up because some sexual acts freak me the fuck out....I am a grown ass woman and I take care of myself....sorry if you don't like the fact that Im not as fucking freaky as you.

Good thing I am even more pissed at you then ever....

Fuck, I am fucking done.

More on my dating nightmares

2008-01-30T23:25:00.000-08:00

First I have to tell you all about the worst date I have ever been on in my life.....I am an idiot and when on yet another date with a guy I met online....you would think I know better...this may have been the last straw....

He asks me to pick him up because he is having "car issues" No prob, for me...if anyone understands a broken down car its this girl. I drove some real piece of crap cars until I could aford my brand new Kia...not the coolest car, but it runs great and has a warrenty :)

So before dinner this is what I know, or think I know about this guy. 26 y/o student living with his parents to help get done with school. works at target to pay for school, and has a broken down car.

here is what I find out: 26, works at target, not a student, no ambition to move out of his parents house, and he is not having care issues...he does not have fucking car or a drivers lisence. WTF????

after dinner I am like, "hey what are we going to do now?" the responce I get..."I don't know." I suggest getting a beer, he does not drink. I suggest getting coffee, he does not drink coffee.

OK the two beverages I live on right now, he does not drink!!! (OK i don't live on beer, but I love to drink a few on the weekends)

OK, we could go for a walk, its to colde

OK, we can watch a movie, Im not allowed in his parents house and the movie theatre is not showing anything for over an hour.

we go to a park and swing, he complains about the cold some more.....

his suggestion: wanna give me a blow job

OH MY FUCK, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????????

On a less distressing note I keep getting strange text messages from a few of the guys I have gone out with. They just say HI.....how do I respond to that? I just say hi back? do they want to know how my day is going...or do they want to see me again??? come on guys, give me hint.

OK I am really actually done dating until I am done with school and can meet a normal person in real life, not online.

someone help me understand why this has to be so difficult. It was so much easier in high school when the boy just asked you to be his gf then you held hands in the hallway....whats wrong with that now???? hahahahah

much love

Amanda :)

The coffee is ready....

2008-01-30T22:35:00.000-08:00

My new meds seem to be helping. Its been almost a month and I am already feeling like a human again. The side effects of the Wellbutrin are much less then the prozac, so this might work..

The only problem is distingusing between depression and real lonliness at this point. I have been out with a few guys in the last month or so, but none of them seem to care about what I have to say. I need to talk to someone about the things I do during clinical, someone who really cares that my heart breaks with the little girls fall asleep in my lap.

L is a 6y/o with CHARGE syndrome...she is almost deaf, nearly blind, has a heart defect, a trachostomy, and a gastrostomy. She communicates with loud noises and physical contact. last night she walked over to me, i was sitting in a cushy chair taking my break, L craweld up on my lap and made herself comfy. She fell asleep right there on my lap. Its amazing to know that she trusts me and I am a safe person for her. She is so adorable....its her distictly different face, sweet eyes, and loud noises that make her who she is. I come home from clinical every monday and tuesday and cry. I am saddened by her situation, but so in love with her little personality. She lives in a foster home because she is so medically fragile and her parents just could not handle it. She really could not be in a better place though. She is safe, cared for, and loved deeply by everyone in the home. I really could take her home and love her as my own...she is perfectly imperfect.

Every guy I have gone out with has changed the subject while I am talking about her. I know disabilities make people uncomfortable, but this is what I do now, and will continue to do for the rest of my life. The people in my life have to be able to handle it too. I need to be able to talk to the people I love about what I do....I need to unwind at the end of a long and emotionally exhausting day. So thats the ultimate make or break em' test for the potential dates. Be able to talk about my work...the sad, the gross, the hard, the joy, the gross, and the fun.....

How do you tell someone you don't want to see them again because you don't like the way they react when you talk about the kids you take care of twice a week?? Sorry, You don't care about what I have to say or what I do with my life, so Im done with you? thats seems so bitchy....can't I just stop talking them cold....thats what I did before....but I suppose that bitchy too. well hell...

I am going to put dating out of my mind until I finish school in June. I need to focus and pass all of my upcoming tests so I can actually continue doing what I love, nursing.

stupid boys :)

Switching meds....

2008-01-07T07:36:00.000-08:00

After struggling to be compliant with Prozac I am finally switching to a med with less reported side effects....lets hope this works....

Side effects: CNS: SEIZURES, agitation, headache, insomnia, mania, psychoses, GI: dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, change in appetite, weight gain, weight loss, Derm: photosensitivity, Endo: hyperglycemia, hypoglycemia, syndrome of inappropriate ADH secretion, Neuro: tremor, (davis drug guide for Wellbutrin XL)

Wahoo, this list is a quarter the size of the list for Prozac. I am a little worried about the insomnia and hypoglycemia because I already struggle with both of those things anyways....but only a few people end up with these effects, with any luck I will not be one of the few!!!!!

OK, Winter term starts today, I am trying some new meds, my apartment is clean, and the plumber is coming to fix my water heater sometime this am.....could today be any better????? yes, the coffee could be ready :)

A world of couples....

2008-01-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

Everyone I know has a life with someone else, and my life is solitary. Don't get me wrong, I love me life, I really really do. But I am lonely.

everyone I love has a partner. All of my friends from high school are married or living with their boyfriends. My best friend Nicole is married and has children. All of my friends from OSU are married.........or living with their partners........

So it makes since that I am lonely.....

But I am done complaining now. I am going to watch my new favorite movie, organize my things, and try to put myself in a better frame of mind.

Much love
A

The Resolution

2008-01-01T03:39:00.000-08:00

OK, so here it is. MY resolution for 2008.
I want to be healthy.
I want to feel sexy.
I want to be able to run down the street without feeling like I am going to pass out.
I want to fall in love with the boy next door, but that not going to happen.....

So because nursing school is crazy and I eat and sleep when I have time I know that vowing to lose any weight is fucking insane and not do-able. So I am have made a goal that my nursing instructor would approve of as it meet the SMART criteria....

Hit the gym twice a week starting this week for the next three months.
See this is specific measurable realistic attainable and on a time frame...SMART

I love you all so help me do this....read on and follow my struggle to make it to the gym twice a week, you will be surprised at how difficult it really is......

The waiting game

2007-12-30T22:47:00.001-08:00

I really hate waiting....I especially hate waiting for the phone to ring!!!

Legs curled up....

2007-12-29T16:45:00.000-08:00

my legs are tucked under me, I can see the tips of my black boots peeking out and I wonder why I am wearing these boots?

They are black leather and knee high. the three inch heels are sharp spikes, and the toes are shraply pointed. I put them on without considering what they mean to me.

The shiny buckles have not been out of the closet for nearly two years. The last time I wore them I me T, the one I almost married. They carry with them memories and confidence.

But they hurt...I have been wearing them for only a few minutes and I can already tell my feet and legs will ache by the end of the night.

It's silly to put so much meaning on a pair of black boots....

I think I might but them back in the closet for another night.....

Or perhaps I am ready wear them again? am I ready to move on finally? not just from T, but from my past? am I ready to shed the pain from that night so long ago? I feel free of it.....but perhaps its just hanging back waiting for the right time to come out in a dream. I have not had one of the dreams for a few months now.....only time will tell.

The Guitar

2007-12-26T00:48:00.000-08:00

I have wanted to learn how to play the guitar for years. I finally have the opportunity, but no time. Mom and dad bought me an acoustic Fender for my birthday; exactly what I wanted. Its so plain and so perfect. I don't really even know how to hold it, I feel silly holding it and wishing I could make it sound as perfect as I know it can. It feels so good to even know the notes for each string.....

I am home for the week of both my birthday and Christmas, its good to be home, but i forgot my meds on the kitchen counter of my apartment. I have not told mom, but I think she knows. We continue to argue on a regular basis about my ability to comply. I am a nursing student for fucks sake, I know the consequences of not taking the little blue pill each day. But the side effects make it hard to want to be compliant.

Prozac:
CNS: SEIZURES, anxiety, drowsiness, headache, insomnia, nervousness, abnormal dreams, dizziness, fatigue, hypomania, mania, weakness, EENT: stuffy nose, visual disturbances, Resp: cough, CV: chest pain, palpitations, GI: diarrhea, abdominal pain, abnormal taste, anorexia, constipation, dry mouth, dyspepsia, nausea, vomiting, weight loss, GU: sexual dysfunction, urinary frequency, Derm: excessive sweating, pruritus, erythema nodusum, flushing, rashes, Endo: dysmenorrhea, MS: arthralgia, back pain, myalgia, Neuro: tremor, Misc: allergic reactions, fever, flu-like syndrome, hot flashes, sensitivity reaction (davis drug guide)

Highlighted in orange are the symptoms i deal with on a regular basis, the only one that is bad enough to make me crazy is the sexual dysfunction.....I think its time to switch to a med that allows me to have a normal sex life. Honestly, I'm not having sex on a regular basis at this point, but do you know how embarrassing it is to explain that I can't get there, sorry you're wasting your time....

I have nausea and a headache from suddenly stopping. I can tell I am slipping into a mild depression again; all I want to do is sleep. its hard for me to have the motivation to shower and get dressed....even on Christmas morning. It amazes me that three days without my meds can have this profound of an affect. I talked to one of my nursing instructors about this, she has encouraged me to remain on meds until finished with nursing school in June. I will try, but something has to change....

School starts again on the 7th of January, can you believe its almost 2008??? that is just crazy to me :) I need to get myself rested and organized my the time school starts....and I could probably do some reading so I am able to hit the ground running!!!!! I need to relearn some math as well as study fluids and electrolytes before we dive in again.....its time for acid base balance. I have been trying to understand acid base balance for two years and i still don't get it!!! FUCK any tips will be appreciated

much love
Amanda

And suddenly.....

2007-12-23T13:36:00.000-08:00

every thing is different. What once was, is no more....

Last night I celebrated my birthday [its actually today]; I had a great time with my friends, but something was different. I tried to see if the two sides of my life could coexist? Friends from high school, and friends from Nursing school. It did not work the way I had planned. I envisioned everyone meeting and falling in love with each other, this was not the case. there were no problems, but it was awkward. I felt as though it was somehow my fault that not everyone was having a killer good time....odd

It weird for me to see people not talking. I am the person that will walk up to you and start chatting because you look lonely and out of place at the party, or the girl you meet and by the end of the day you know her life story.....that's me....I am able to talk to just about anyone, about anything. when I am thrown into a big group of unknowns I will stand back and watch for about an hour....I will observe the pecking order of the group, the humor style, the topics of conversation, and when comfortable join in and enjoy myself. unless I am tired, as I am today....

I can barely keep my eyes open and I am getting ready to drive home for Christmas. Its a two hour drive, and its raining...I'm going to need some coffee and music for this trip.

Frustrated

2007-12-18T22:47:00.000-08:00

Why can't people get over their big bad selves, and except that everyone is different, but the same....

It does not matter what color my skin it, or what color your eyes are, we all have the same inside parts....heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, lymph's, hormones, fluids, electrolytes....you know what I'm talking about????

I'm just tired of people being stupid ignorant ass wholes.....

Is it that way?!?!?!?

2007-12-13T16:55:00.000-08:00

What direction are you going?

So many directions I can be in this moment....

I never know what will be the best....

I suppose I will follow the signs as I see them.....

Feeling Better

2007-12-08T00:46:00.000-08:00

wow....what an amazing day. I had my test review, turned in a very small paper....and then napped....it was truly an amazing nap too. I felt refreshed and rejuvinated. I showered and made myself look amazing to go to the Lucky Lab with my twin, Kellen....

OK so he is not actually my twin...he is two weeks older then me, a foot taller, and skinny :) everything I am not....but I am prettier ;) He is really the male version of myself...except he's a Republican, and I am not.

I had some nasty beer, then some yummy beer. I love beer so for me to say nasty means it was really really bad. We spent the evening with his GF and her friends....they are younger so it was odd because i am used to older people, but it was fun....and I think I may have scored a job for the winter break :) its all about networking.....

So i got home around 11, and have spent the last two hours chilling and thinking about life....good things mostly. I took an amazing bath....Jasmine and Lavender bubbles....the kitty laid on the bath mat and hung out with me.....Daniel and I talked for an hour....I was filled in on the happening of his life, and him on mine....its great to catch up with people you love.

So the next three days are dedicated to studying....some one wish me luck...I must pass this test to move on to the seventh term of nursing school

much love
A

Tears of Confusion

2007-12-03T21:34:00.000-08:00

I am confused, and I have nothing to say about it....I want to soak in the tub and cry. But I don't have time for that right now. I have a midterm on the fourth and the final on the eleventh. I am terrified that I am going to fail. failure is not an option. I am going to watch Beauty and the Beast, read some med/surg, and sleep.......someone tell my why I am so fucking confused....and how do i get past it?!?!?!?!

Burning out

2007-12-02T01:31:00.000-08:00

I am having a hard time focusing on school. I really need to dedicate myself to studying for the next 4 days, but my mind continues to wonder. I am thinking about everything but ADPIE, Maslow, Erickson, ABC, CMS, and anal winks.....

So last night I slept at N's house, she is truly one of the few people i consider a "best friend." She knows more about me then any other person on the planet.

I slept on the sofa because my bed was taken up by another house guest....he is old so he gets dibs (OK so he's not old, but its funny). I was woken up at 5am by N's husband and the other house guest, T & S. they were finding music for their car trip to the ducks game...I wake with a start and the first words out of my mouth are, "what the fuck?" I should add that the image in my head was of MY TV, and two men in MY living room, I really had no clue where i was or why their were two men in my home......I see T smile and start to process that I do in fact know and trust him, S says,"do you know where you are sweety?" my next breath is a deep sigh of relief...Its funny now, but in that split second I experienced true terror.

Its time for sleep, and REM, I need to be well rested for study group tomorrow....please, someone wish me luck on this next test!!!!

study time bitches

2007-11-27T15:42:00.000-08:00

OK, so it's time to buckle down and study study study. I find myself having difficulty focusing on the task at hand. today I studied with my fantastic study group for about 4 hours. the first 3 of which were very productive. The last hour was sex jokes and snacks...that's my kind of study group, and explains why I have gained so much weight in the last year!

So here I am right now avoiding homework and watching the comcast dude fix my cable; thanks comcast dude, I was really missing the distractions the TV provides for me.

When I get done avoiding homework i will start working on my prep for Sim Lab, a lab where we use dummies to simulate patients, the instructors get off on making us feel like fuck-tards, and I usually go home in a state of disbelief with both my own lack of knowledge, and their lack of compassion.

After Sim prep I plan on watching mindless television and reading from my bible, and by bible I mean the Med/Surg nursing text....Its my personal bible and has all the information a baby nurse could possibly need...OK, well not all, but a lot :)

an interesting fact for those of you interested: you can now purchase Plan B at your local pharmacy, well at most of them. anyone, male or female, over the age of 18 can purchase this handy little pill for around $40. that's cheap when you consider how much an unwanted pregnancy is going to end up costing in the long run.....I am not advocating that you use this as your sole form of birth control, but if you miss a pill and the condom breaks you have a back up....hence the name Plan B...because plan A should have worked, but just it case the latex snaps....well you get the idea....

that leads us directly to the topic of sex, yet again. have you noticed that as we get older sex has become a significant source of entertainment both in and out of the bedroom? We love talking about it, thinking about it, watching people who want to do it, and we love doing it. Why is there such a stigma on sex? what stigma you wonder? People are afraid to be honest about what they really want....we want to be happy, feel happy, and have some fun....but we don't want to be judged when we seek out physical pleasure from another human....is it possible, I wonder, for a male and a female to remain friends after seeking mutual pleasure from one another? why does one person have the right to judge me for being a sexual being when they themselves can be judged for their own faults...

See here I am being distracted from homework my the sexual curiosity that is rambling through my head right now in this moment....I can have sex when I graduate....In the mean time I would like to actually graduate, So I am off to study

Much love-
A

Home, Sweet Home?!?!

2007-11-19T19:05:00.000-08:00

It’s day two of being home for thanksgiving, and I have to say, it’s not nearly as painful as I had expected. I have had time to take a few naps, study, and go running with my brother’s new dog….

Let me tell you a bit about my brother. First I am from an obscenely small sad little town in the Willamette valley….I moved as soon as possible, P (my bro), however still lives at home with my parents….not for a lack of trying to get out. He has moved out at least half a dozen times, but like a boomerang ends up back where he started. The reasons for his many returns span from bad financial choices to poor choices in friends and roommates, oh and girlfriends….the kid attracts psychos like you would not believe….

He is 20 years old and wears pants so tight you can actually see his, ya know, junk. All of his jeans have a perfect ring outlined on the back pocket from his “snuff.” Copenhagen long cut for those interested in his choice of cancer causing agents. I have given up the “you know that’s bad for you” lecture, he has been chewing since he was 14, mom stopped lecturing at 18 and I finally realized that I am wasting my breath. P is, for the most part, a really good kid. He will do anything for anyone; he would give you the shirt off his back if that’s what you really needed. He can be reached 24/7 for roadside assistance for any of his redneck friends, or their girlfriends, who are also rednecks. P goes through daily life with an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, and it works for him. He really does not care what anyone thinks, and has no problem telling you to fuck off….after he gives you his shirt and the finger.

I am proud to say P is going back to school, that’s right, my baby brother is going to college…ok, its trade school. But by the time I graduate from college he will be finished with his welding certification program and making more money then me….damn

So P just got this new red tick hound, and very creatively named the dog red. Could you be a bit more original please? My mom said no more dogs, did he listen? No. the damn dog howls night and day….enter the bark collar. After one day of wearing the damn thing he is afraid to bark. I am not sure how I feel about bark collars, but the neighbors stopped complaining….did I mention that the closest neighbor is ¼ of a mile away and they were annoyed by the howling hound.

I can’t help but love the dog. He is on a 40ft cable run and has a nice little doggie house with food and water. The problem is that he is able to get his self wrapped around the cherry tree, the plum tree, the burn barrel, and the tractor (yes my family has a burn barrel and tractor, and so much more). I took in upon myself yesterday after a rainy run to fix the dogs living conditions….bad idea. Before I even started I was already soaked to the bone, my black Capri yoga pants and my black sweatshirt were clinging to my sad shivering body. The pants were so heavy with water I could barely keep them on my hips. I trekked through the yard to the field the dog has so lovingly been exiled to.

I need to clarify that my parents are constantly re-doing their landscaping…the current state of the yard is mud. The reason you ask for all of this mud? Because they have just put in an access road to the back of the property so that my grandparents and great-grandparents can park their RV in our yard during the summers….the exciting life of retirement.

So I spent over an hour trying to fix this dogs lead so that he can’t tangle himself. By the time I was finished I was freezing and covered in mud…and whatever else was in that mud…..this field used to be home to the pigs I raised for 9 years….use your imagination about how filthy I really was.

As cold and disgusting as the entire ordeal was it was a very relaxing experience. For the duration of my time spent with this miserable puppy I did not once think about school, bills, my ex, or any other stress inducing thoughts….it was amazing, thank you red!

There are two reasons why I am home for the entire week. The first being thanksgiving break, and the second mom’s foot surgery. It’s a minor procedure with a small cut and only 45 min under general anesthesia. She describes it as having her plantar released….I think it might be a bit more complicated then this! The surgery was great; it took her about 30min to wake up and an additional 30 to be alert enough for the nurse to release her. The nurse was great, she let me pull the IV, I have done this a dozen times, but its always fun! Mom was so funny, she was stoned and demanded a diet soda and crackers…I gave her the crackers and made her wait for soda.

Now she is taking full advantage of her disabled state. She has orders from the doctor that she is to be non-weight bearing on her left foot for an entire week….this means I am her bitch for the week. I am not complaining, simply stating a fact. I need a shirt that says, moms bitch across the front….that would make me laugh. Its so much easier with a patient who is not your family, they have silent lights that turn on when they need something….my mom has a frog that sings and yells, oh yes a singing and laughing from…I wish I had the audio of it for you…its annoying and funny all at the same time.

So the best part of being home is the food and the wood stove…the house is warm and I get to eat yummy yummy food all week. Thanksgiving dinner: I am cooking. I have never cooked a thanksgiving dinner, I have burned hamburger helper. I am actually a really good cook, and I’m excited to cook this meal for my family. I am worried about the stuffing…I don’t really even like stuffing and now I have to make it…so if you have any tips to share, please do.

a glass of wine would be nice...

2007-11-15T20:21:00.000-08:00

I just want to ask to world around me, “are you fucking kidding me right now.”

I feel confusion and disconnection from the world around me…I’ve never felt quite this off balance before.

I see myself and wonder what I am doing….

When was the last time you held your hand over a flame and watched your skin? It feels a little warm, and does not really hurt until the damage is already done. Maybe it feels a little good so you don’t yank back even though you know its going to scar. You watch the skin turn pink, then red, you see is start to sizzle as the moisture is drawn out….the blister starts to form the skin lifts up and fluid collects in that little pocket, you’re fascinated by the process so you leave it just a moment longer. Your breathing is heavy and shallow as you cope with the pain, not willing to move your hand away from that pain. The skin darkens and the blister is open and the contents sizzling in the fire. You can smell the flesh burning, but you don’t move your hand yet, a force now beyond your control is compelling you to watch. It does not feel good anymore, but your in too deep…this game is no longer fun, but you can’t stop playing. The flesh is raw and seeping, the fluid is clear…you wonder when you will see blood. You think that as soon as you see blood you will stop, when I can’t tolerate the pain I will stop.

My skin just started to sizzle, I yanked back. I feel the compelling urge to reach back in. I know that I can’t, and I’m not going to….but I know it would feel good for a few minutes. Am I willing to trade a few hours of pleasure for a few days of pain? It takes time for wounds to heal, how long would this one take?

Who cares, I am done. That’s that, the person who needs to know, knows….and that’s what counts…I am done playing with this fire. By no means has the fire been extinguished, but I am not going to watch my self get burned again. This is a risk I am not willing to take, not today, and not tomorrow. Its nice to know its there to keep me warm if I need it….maybe someday it will be fully available for me and I won’t have to watch myself burn……..

In the mean time I need to remember that I am available again….hhhmmm being single has always been fun in the past, and this time will be no different…..or maybe it will be….but I will have fun.

So here I am blogging on my bed…the only place that I can feed off of someone else’s internet….I suppose I will go take a bath and read a good book…a glass of wine would be nice, but I drank it all the other day…..hhhmmm water it is.

Goodnight beautiful confusing world

Another day, Another dream

2007-11-10T23:23:00.000-08:00

I had this dream the other day, it was a spin off of dreams I have been having my entire life. I dream that I have a pet, but I forget that I have this pet and it starves to death; I always find the pet just as it is dying and there is nothing I can do to save him or her. In this dream I had a hutch of drawers and in each drawer there were several small animals: hamsters, mice, rats, and my dream version of a leemar…I don’t know what a leemar is, but this is what it was in my dream:

A small brown animal about the size of a hamster, but looked like a kola bear. The leemar had sweet brown eyes that captivated me. I stared at the little creature for about 10seconds then it let out a piecing blood curdling shriek and turned coal black with red eyes. Each time this happened I screamed and every hair on my body raised….this happened over and over.

The trapped and starving animals had tunneled through the drawers and were hunting one another. The large chasing the small, the small running faster and hiding. I was searching everywhere for food, I had a since of urgency that I have never experienced in a dream. I was frantic. I found one granola bar….i split it into tiny chunks and opened drawers and dropped the pieces in. this tiny frightened mouse looked at me and spoke, let me out of here please. I closed the drawer. This is when the small animals rebelled and started trying to push the drawers open. As I closed one another would open and so on. I woke up sweating and terrified. It really was the craziest dream I have ever had.

What the Funk?

2007-11-09T23:21:00.000-08:00

So I just moved into this amazing little apartment, one bedroom one bath, one perfect little kitchen, and a living room that I have transformed into the perfect space to live, study, nap, and watch movies. My mom drove up to help me get organized. On Friday night we cleaned my old apartment, and unpacked my kitchen. On Saturday morning we did some shopping at IKEA and thrift stores to find a few pieced of furniture I felt I could not possible live without. (still no microwave) It was great having her here, and I cried when she left.

So I get in this mood from time to time. The health professional in me calls it depression. The non-compliant med hating fighter inside of me calls it a funk. We all have these days, where we just don’t change out of our pajamas and we lie on the sofa and watch day time TV all day. My problem is that my funky day turns into a week….then two weeks….then I start not going to school, ignoring phone calls, I stop showering and wallow in self pitty. This is why the professional side of me takes the blue pill every day….except for the last two weeks.

Most people who look at my life see no reason whatsoever to be depressed. I have a hard time understanding it myself. When mom left today she asked me to please start taking my medication again. She is right, I need to fight to be healthy, and part of that is taking my meds…..

Its time to move....again

2007-11-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

OK, so this is the weekend of the move....today i am trying, very hard, to conquer the daunting task of packing. I did the dishes, started a load of laundry and found myself sitting here in front of the computer. Frustrated for the following reasons:

1) I just unpacked my last box from this move less then two weeks ago...i have lived in this apartment for less then two months, in fact I will never hit the two month mark on the lease here.

2) the ex moved out two weeks ago and "mailed" me a check to cover his part of the rent and the massive sum of money it costs to break a lease. go figure, the check is not here yet....maybe he put an old stamp on it and some bitch at the post-office said, "fuck you, this is 10 cents short of making it to your broke ex-girl." I really doubt that is the case...So i am going to have to fork out his share of the money....and pay for his keys that he never returned....what a moron...and yes i really did only live with him for a month...and I know, I'm a moron for moving in with him in the first place....lesson learned

3) I have a massive charlie horse in my left calf. so massive that i cannot feel my foot as it has cut off the circulation...this is an ongoing problem in my left leg...yes i went to the Dr. and no there is nothing that makes it feel better....so here i sit drinking a glass of milk and wondering how low my calcium levels really are....

4) I really hate packing.

5) my cat scratched me

6) and i was in class all day and feel as if i have learned nothing....

7) I really hate packing......

So on the bright side I have a funny story to share with the masses who read this blog, all three of you will enjoy this:

As you may or may not know i am in nursing school and each term we have a "video lab." in this lab our fabulous instructor gives us scenarios and one of us acts the part of patient, and another acts the part of nurse. Our acting is then video taped so we can play it back and make fun of each other....

Today I was the nurse....my patient was 16yr old Pete(played by Laurie, an attractive 30something female). Pete was in love with me.

He started off by asking me to rub his neck because it hurt....and as he gazed into my eyes he told me all about his new job at Starbucks....

"your really pretty." "will you rub a little harder?" he reaches out and touches my arm...."Nurses are Hot...I really like those tall black boots i see them wearing on TV, do you have those boots?"

My eyes are huge and all i can think is what the fuck is happening right now.....I am staring at this women, pretending to be a 16 year old boy in love with me and have a hard time stopping the laughter.

I step out to "collaborate" with my peers. "oh my god, what do i do? should i just say hey, you a nice boy but i am your nurse and this is inappropriate." the group agrees that this is a good plan of actions.

Back in Pete's room i stand away from the bed and start to delivery the speech...deep breath....and he grabs my arm...."your so pretty, will you please rub my back....we should go on a date....i think i love you....I could pay for our date, it would be really nice."

"I am to old for you, I am going to find another nurse to work with."

Pete: "we could have a threesome"

"oh me god" and i leave the room in shock....

Needless to say, not my most successful video lab....but for sure the funniest :)

So I need to stop procrastinating and get to work packing all of my crap. Tomorrow one of my girlfriends is coming to help me, and then on Sunday my parents will be here at 9am to move everything 10 miles to my new and amazing apartment....

so as much as i hate packing, I am SO EXCITED to move into my new beautiful apartment

much love
A

Blogging....

2007-11-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

The first entry is always the hardest…I don’t want to be one of those ‘dear diary’ girls, but that’s almost what if feels like right now. My first journal was a pink notebook; I would rip the pages out and burn them so that nobody could read the entries. Looking back I don’t think anyone even knew I was journaling….lots of stuff I should not have been doing, lots of fantasies, and lots of complaining….not different from what I plan on doing here….ironic that I used to burn my journal, and now I am posting blogs.

I suppose I should introduce myself.

The name is Amanda; I grew up in a small town and recently relocated to a much larger, more diverse, and scarier city. I feel more comfortable here then I ever did back home. I moved here for school, but will stay for so many other reasons. My family is less then a two hour drive away, that’s not to bad…I can deal with that.

School: This is why I am here, in Portland I mean. The second year of nursing school just started and my life, for the most part, is dedicated to school until June. Last year was crazy, but I rocked. This year is different. Newly single (a long story for another day) I thought I would do better….but this has not proven to be true. The first exam was this morning and I failed. It’s not the end of the world, but it sure felt like it….I have two tests left to redeem myself, and I will!

Work: I don’t have a job….school is a full time job and I am blessed with not caring about being in debt for the next ten years so I live on student loans. God bless the American way…..

Love: Some would call me a serial monogamous….I date one person for way to long, then run at the first sign of real commitment. I was engaged young (18), that ended in having my heart broken and my faith in love shattered. I dated a few people…broke up with them, and then there was T. He was a great person who loved me more then I could have hoped for. We planned our future, struggled through a long distant relationship and my first year of nursing school, but we made it. I found this amazing ring in his headboard….and I flipped out. My past came flooding back and I ran towards it. And that’s where B comes in. He was my first love and I had this fairy tale idea about us living happily ever after. Right after the break with T I was back with B and playing house…the relationship was passionate and intense, we moved in together quickly…the break up was just as quick. Thankfully this one was much less painful….but here I am single for the first time in my adult life.

Home: is where I want to be. Like I said I live two hours away from my family and I just broke up with my boyfriend who I was living with…so this weekend I am moving into an amazing one bedroom apartment. I have lived alone before, but this will be the first place of my own that I truly consider to be home. Its not a temporary dwelling like the previous places…this is going to be my home until I am able to buy a house (its all part of my 5 year plan).

Life: I live it everyday….most days I love it, but some days I don’t want to be here. I have amazing friends who I can count on to shake the hell out of me when I start to fall down. I have this support system that I sometimes find unbelievable. I have my family, my childhood friends, and my grown up friends. of course my childhood friends are grown up now, so its not that i am trying to belittle them or the friendships i have with each of them, but i will continue to call them my childhood friends because i met them during childhood. My grown up friends are the people I have met in the last year, I am not a grown up yet, but i met these people while growing up and so they will be referred to as my grown up friends. This group of grown up friends I have are more like a family i have been adopted into. I was taken in by them and I know they will not let me fall, just as i won't let them fall. they are my friends, family, and my peers in nursing school. we study together, we play together, we cry together...Each person in my life is loved….I may not tell them, but they are loved.

I was playing eye spy with my favorite little kids and I spied a poem on one of the pages….this is the poem I live my live by:

Love many
Trust few
And always row your own canoe.