Today I helped someone i love. My friend is a 29 year old mother of two who just had a double mastectomy; today I helped her shower. i changed her dressings, i did her hair, and dried her off....I helped.

from this day forward my goal is to be able to fill in the blank: today I helped________. three days a week I am a nurse, the rest of my time should be at least a bit productive. it's time to start giving back again.

Today I was rejected. rejected by a boy i like a lot...It stings, and it's embarassing. nobody likes being rejected, but I was rejected by a friend. ouch.

it's time for sleep. cancer sucks, so do boys. that's what I learned today. and yes, I just compared boys to cancer.

The mini-freak-out

Deb-
I need some advice, about a boy. why do I let myself get so flipped out over a guy. I have no idea if he likes me, I mean I know he is a friend, but maybe I want more...well not maybe, I do want more. but that's silly because I could ruin a great friendship...I mean what the hell is wrong with me. Does that make and since at all? no. This is what I do, I flip out and amber talks me off the ledge, then she flips out and I talk her off the ledge. you never flipped out, deb, you have always been stable. How do I become stable? Just when I have finally come to terms with single, enjoying single, and even looking forward to the fun of being single I get a caught up in a crush. it's so dumb. Do I jinx things by talking about it so much, by over analyzing to the point of driving myself mad?

the real problem here is my total lack of confidence and self esteem when it comes to guys. I mean I just think of every little flaw I have...I remember every negative thing anyone has ever said to me, and forget the positive...its so silly how i get lost. I loose my confident bubbly self.

the percocets make me a little loopy...why percocets...oh because I have severe pain in my cervix. all tests are negative (no creepy crawlies) and yet I am shedding white blood cells for no apparent reason. the NP said, 'there is no obvious cancer, but you need to see a specialist' So it took the specialist a week to call me to make an appointment for a month away...what am I supposed to do with that information...here's another perocet. uuugggg

Joi had surgery yesterday. 29 and she had a double mastectomy. In a month or so I will have a shaved head to support her! she is such a wonderful girl....how did this happen? I don't understand how cancer happens. don't get me wrong, I know the physiology of cancer, but why? why my grandma, a co-worker and friend, why the women I cared for over and over until she died? why.

One of my quads died last week. I call him one of mine because he was a patient several times over the last year. One of several quads I see on a regular basis. He was young, had children, and hated his life...but it's still sad to me that he died. of aspiration pneumonia. preventable and treatable. damn.

Deb-
I miss you. Tomorrow is your birthday, it breaks my heart that I don't get to say happy birthday. I'm broken in half by missing you. How do I say goodbye when you're already gone? to hug your memory, and to kiss your spirit with my love long after you have gone....I miss you so much.

I have so much to share with you, I need your advice, I need you to remind me to slow down and take my time. don't rush....they will hold your table....

_ _ _ _ _ -_ -_____ _---_ _ _ _ ______________---__- _ _ _ _ _ -----------____ _ _ --

My sister is back. I get to hear her voice again, she sounds like she is healing...a little at a time. I love hearing about the kids, I miss them so much. Welcome back sister,I missed you.

The appropriate kind of crush

So there is this guy. He is the kind of guy I can see myself being with, and unlike so many guys I have dated this year, he is actually appropriate for me. He is 7years older, He makes me laugh, and makes me blush, he makes me want to iron....suddenly I want to be just a little domestic. For some reason he makes me feel like being an adult....like in the good way...not just the paying bills on time way. Like I want to get up and watch the news and drink coffee, I want to make dinner and then do the dishes, I want to play card games and do crosswords together....

The Guy: This guy I met about 9 months ago during my dating spree in Portland. He is smart, and funny, and cute, and warm, he makes me feel warm and comfortable and excited....

The problem: about two months ago I told him I just wanted to be friends, then had the most perfect date night ever with him while I was in Portland last week...no I want to change my mind...I am totally open to more then friendship with him, but I don't know how to tell him!!!

The other problem: I live in Bend now, and he is in Portland...not that big of a deal

Being a girl: Here is the biggest issue for me....I don't know how to like someone who is good for me. I am so used to being the girl that can detach from someone, I generally like people who I can't make a real connection with, someone I have a little fun with and sometimes good sex, but I can walk away from and not be hurt. But not this time....this time I can't detach. And like an idiot I have been pushing him away for the last few months, I'm and idiot!!! shit.

So now I am have to tell him that I changed my mind, without sounding like a psycho, and still avoiding the stupid games. I need to just call when I want to call, and say what I feel like saying...but I need to chill the fuck out.

seriously. I have issues. We talked a few times last week, and everything seems to be good, casual, but good. and now for no reason I am starting to over analyze the entire situation. Does he like me, does he just want to be my friend now? what will he say when I tell him I am open to more then just friendship, will he reject me? I think that is the underlying issue here, my fear of rejection...I do just fine when I am the one rejecting everyone, but god I hate being rejected!!!

and I really hate this stage of having a crush. like I really really hate it....but I love the feeling! I love the butterflies.....

damn it! :)


Hugs
A

am I broken or just mildly fucked up???

I think just a little fucked up, maybe stuck in the past. back when things were easy and the sex was always good....because you did not know otherwise.

One year ago I broke up (for the third time) with my first love(it all started when I was 14). He beat me with his negative attitude towards the world, he broke my spirit and killed my self esteem, but damn the sex was good, so I went back for some more.

and here I sit.....thinking about the second love of my life, the man (well, man-boy) I was engaged two.....almost 4 years ago our wedding date went by (yes I was 20, yes that would have sucked). I am letting myself forget the bad, the bad and the ugly. like how he cheated on me. like how he called me a nagging bitch, how it was ok for him to make out with my brother's girlfriend and break not only my heart, but the heart of my unbreakable brother. It's kind of a funny story.....

I was 19, Pat (the bro) was 17 (god we were young). M(the fiance) decided that pat's girl (K) was a good girl to go for. so he makes out with her, and pat walks in...he turns around walks away. So M tells me, and calm rational amanda loses it and nearly breaks her fist on the door of 98 red chevy silverado. ooops. sorry, don't fuck with my family.....

(ok the clouds are clearing and the ex is not looking so fantastic anymore.....)

i remember the first time we had sex like it was yesterday. It was a snow day (yes I was young, get over it). We had at least 10 candles burning in my bedroom. I remember how nervous he was, I can almost remember the way he smelled.....a little sweaty, a littly spicy, a little like winter......
.....we planned a winter wedding. it was red and black. My dress was amazing......I was running everyday and on a strict no carb diet so the dress would be perfect.....I was in college and he was my farmer. I had an amazing little diamond ring that sparkled in the sun.....god it great, it was all my own and he had worked so hard to buy it for me......
.......The day I gave it back to him was so painful, yet it gave me freedom again. He asked me to keep it because I might change my mind. He still loved me and was sorry for everything (and yet still dating my brothers girlfriend) I remember so clearly standing on my moms porch handing it to him in the original box, and telling him I had to give it back, his mom had called and yelled at me.....
............I remember the night he gave me that ring.......
and the good feelings all rush back. It was amazing and perfect and I loved him so fucking much
loved, past tence, thats good news that I stuck the ed on the end of love.....


So whats my issue. Do I need to re-date every guy I ever dated so I will stop going over this in my head. do I really need to let them break me down all over again the way they did the first time.

NO. I need to stop this. I need to remember the good, but also remember the lesson I learned.

Well....what was the lesson???? fuck, I don't know. all I know is that now I can't stop thinking about M....It's probably because I saw him at a funeral last summer, and because I had dinner with one of our mutual friends last night....and she has a baby. I wonder if I had gotten married 4 years ago if I would have any babies???? oh wow. I know I would not be here now, I would probably have stuck around philomath and gone to the local CC for nursing school....not a bad school, but not at all what I really wanted to do.

wow if feels good to be totally open with all of this.

I'm just saying the sex was good. because I had no idea it could be better. and life is better.

wow. what a totally lame blog ;) lol

much love
A

a quick update...an incomplete update

So check this out....
I am still doing good, loosing weight finally...my waist in present again :) lol

My computer is dead...I am mailing it to HP tomorrow. thankfully it's still under warranty!

I am totally pissed that my best friend has moved across the country without a goodbye or see you the fuck later. I can't get ahold of her, and really I just want to make sure she is alive and healthy. I can only imagine how others must feel. whatever. not my problem anymore.

I am itching to do some more comedy...I was good at it, and really want the opportunity to keep going with it.

I am feeling lonely. in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, the loneliness is palpable.

I work nights, its good but it also sucks.

Yup, it's true.

FUCKIN A'

I love my new job, and I love my new home.

I miss my friends from Portland. (dude, call me)

I miss my family in Philomath.

I am happy

I drink a bit too much wine from time to time

The charge is super hot

I can't wait to start an IV

My apartment is 100 degrees

I can finally sleep in the dark

My ankles are swollen from the altitude change and the lack of water

I hike almost daily now

I am in love with this new life of mine

join me?
A